Chicago Mayor Richard Daley stunned everyone when he announced he will not run for re-election. He cited his wife’s cancer as a primary reason, but also noted his interest in showing the Cubs that there’s no shame in quitting early.

A pastor at a Florida church is encouraging his congregation to burn Qurans on September 11. The idea was a part of a brainstorming session entitled, “Let’s Out Crazy Scientologists!”

General Petraeus warned that burning Qurans in America could endanger soldiers’ lives around the world. In other words, al Qaeda may not have nuclear weapons, but they are ready to use the Butterfly Effect.

In a new poll, most Americans think Republicans could do a better job managing the economy than Democrats. In other words, most Americans think Republicans have more contacts in China.

The Pope is coming to the defense of an Iranian woman sentenced to death by stoning. Said her lawyer, “We’d rather just have that plexi-glass covered Pope-mobile of his. We could use that.”

Tropical Storm Hermine is flooding parts of Texas. But only because it wants to do jobs that American storms won’t do.

Tropical Storm Hermine may be downgraded to a Tropical Depression. If, that is, it runs out of Tropical Xanax.

In a recent speech, President Obama said certain people in Washington talk about him like a dog. Republican leaders said that was ridiculous, then said they wanted to rub his nose in the unemployment numbers and smack him with a rolled up stimulus package.

Angelina Jolie is in Pakistan, and she is shocked that massive floods can wreck homes just as effectively as she can.

Former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater is due in court on charges of reckless endangerment. The court stenographer is prepared for the arraignment by polishing off the “F” key.

Former White House Budget Director Peter Orszag believes the Bush tax cuts should be extended. Which explains the “Former” part of his title.

The Heisman Trophy Trust may strip Reggie Bush of his 2005 Heisman because he was ruled ineligible that season. Bush said he hasn’t been this shocked since he learned he got so drunk one night, he hit on a girl with a small ass.

A boy at an Arizona Diamondbacks game was hit with a bat. Announcers quickly pointed out that if it were an American League ballpark, he would have just been sent to “time out”.

President Obama is noticeably absent from many Democratic campaign ads. Possibly because they were filmed at the Gulf during the BP oil spill.

Two asteroids came very close to Earth on Wednesday. NASA said this proves that America is getting so fat, we’re increasing the planet’s gravitational pull.