According to inside sources, prison inmates in California are tired of Lindsay Lohan. See that, Lindsay, it’s like you never left society.

Ellen DeGeneres is leaving American Idol because hurting singers’ feelings doesn’t sit well with her conscience. When she told Simon Cowell he said, “Doesn’t sit well with your what? What was that last word?”

President Obama did not attend Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. He was going to, but he decided to stay away after hearing it involved an oil spill.

The annual comic book convention known as “Comic Con” wrapped up in San Diego. Evidenced by the fact that your company’s I.T. guy is back at work.

President Obama appeared on “The View”. The talk show invited him on to personally thank him. High unemployment, after all, is great for daytime TV ratings.

Military leaders are concerned that confidential documents are being leaked onto the internet. Maybe they should stop hiding them in Britney Spears’ crotch.

The popular website “chat roulette” will begin charging some users with lewd behavior. Apparently the people of Solitaire have a copyright on that “playing with yourself” thing.

Judge Susan Bolton struck down a key portion of Arizona’s immigration law. Appropriately, she struck it so hard, candy fell out.

In the wake of the Shirley Sherrod misunderstanding, President Obama is urging Americans to talk about race. Great…now Mel Gibson is equipped with a Presidential order.

Many claim that Britain released the Lockerbie bomber back to Libya so BP could drill for oil off the coast there. After seeing what BP did to the Gulf of Mexico, the accusations were actually made by Libya.

Membership in the Boy Scouts of America is declining. I bet leaders lay awake at night with their stomachs in 74 different types of knots.

Oil that was on the surface of the Gulf of Mexico has mysteriously vanished. Ten bucks says Nancy Grace thinks the father kidnapped it.

A new play about the life of Packer coach Vince Lombardi will hit Broadway….For no other reason than to add another name to the list of coaches in New York more popular than Mets manager Jerry Manuel.

This week is shark week. Which is just a fancy way of saying NFL agents are visiting campus at Florida and Alabama.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said the show “Jersey Shore” is a disgrace. He said that people who act unruly and think about screwing others all the time…that’s not Jersey. That’s Congress.

Many Major League ballparks now offer an “all you can eat” concession option. Now Cubs fans have two reasons to take Rolaids.

Tony Hayward has stepped down as CEO of BP. He promised to send updated resumes to Buckingham Palace so they can adequately fertilize the grounds.

July was officially the hottest month on record in the U.S. The heat was so hot in fact, LeBron James spent only 30 minutes deciding on Gatorade over water.