I’m starting a new crusade.  Hug a big kid.  That’s right.  Go right up and give one a big bear hug.  Then if you can, hug a teenager while they’re sending a text message.  Not because you’re creepy, but because they’re going to save your life one day and you should thank them.  Go with me on this.

There’s a lot of uproar these days about kids being overweight.  I agree with most people.  Kids certainly do eat poorly and don’t exercise enough.  But then I added things up.

1.  We’re at war.

2.  Technology is advancing like crazy.

You put those two things together and what do you have?  Answer:  General Steve Jobs.  Okay, maybe not, but we do face a not too distant future in which our wars will be fought with computers and remote controls.  So I say to America’s youth…stay inside, play video games.  It’s quality training.

Fine, so little Timmy can’t climb a rope in gym class.  Big deal.  He can operate a joystick and a dozen separate buttons all the while texting six of his buddies using nothing but weird abbreviation patterns.  He’s not lazy.  He’s a warrior.

I’m not the only one who sees the bigger picture.  Why do you think Army recruiters set up their tables in malls and outside arcades?  You don’t see them in parking lots outside a Gold’s Gym, do you?  That’s because exercise is becoming obsolete and unnecessary.

Then there’s text messaging.  Look, I also want to smack kids when I see them texting away in movie theatres, in restaurants, at Renaissance Fairs totally breaking character.  But now I want to buy them a beer.  I don’t care if that’s against the law because I see them for the good-hearted fighters they are.  Fact is, texting is going to win the war on terror.  LOL all you want, but hear me out.

People once thought the Navajo language was nutty.  Then what happened?  We used it to defeat the Japanese in World War II.  After Hirohito surrendered, it became kinda nutty again, but it served a huge purpose!  Ten or fifteen years from now, the same can be said about how we defeated TJHAQ (that’s text code for Those Jack Hole al Qaeda).

Think about the possibilities.  Tomorrow’s soldiers have an incredible labyrinth of complex text language to work with.  They have 26 letters, 10 digits, and about 850 derivatives of a sideways smiley face at their disposal.  Mathematically, that works out to enough lines of code to make the Mayan calendar look like a Weekly Reader. You think bin Laden is crazy now?  Just wait until he intercepts messages written by a 300-pound, 19-year-old eating Cheetos on a Lazy Boy in Phoenix.  His turban will unravel itself.

While I’m at it, the next time you see a kid with saggy pants, shake his hand.  Just make sure to shake the hand he’s not using to hold them up.  Pat him on the back.  He’s also a future war hawk.  Before technology completely takes over, we’re going to need guys like him to send a message on the ground.  You see, during the Revolutionary War, a lot of minutemen often fought with holes in their clothes and no shoes on their feet.  In the snow!  It showed the British how determined we were as a nation.  Same thing with how TJHAQ will see us in the desert.  They see a brigade of U.S. Soldiers coming at them with droopy pants, they’ll get a powerful message.  That message…America and freedom are so precious, apparently even the homeless want to fight for it.  Seriously, the Pentagon should hire me because this is brilliant strategy.

So thank you, next generation.  Tom Brokaw had it all wrong.  The WW II folks made up a fine generation indeed, but the greatest generation?  That’s you.  God, how you make me proud!  The fatter you get, the more you’re going to hate recess.  And the more you hate recess, the more you’re going to love video games.  And the last I checked, pilot-less drones required more quick thumb movements than they did push-ups and jumping jacks.

And for the love of liberty, text away.  The more the better.  Our freedom depends on it.  Just do me a huge favor…when you find Osama bin Laden, try to capture his facial expression in one of those sideways emoticon thingies.

cc:  General Steve Jobs

Categories: Columns