It’s that time of year again, kids.  Here are my resolutions for 2010:

Love and forgive like there’s no tomorrow.  Better yet, get Visa to do that.

Come to terms that “going green” should not apply to the walls of my shower.

Fit 7 jack-o-lanterns into 22 others to make the first ever pumpkin pi.

Drive up website traffic by drawing a picture of the Prophet Muhammad, then letting the media and the crazies do the rest.  I’m a genius marketer.

Drink less coffee.  For that matter, stop calling fat people “ventis”.

Convince my female friends that it’s perfectly fine to imitate a phone call without trying to make one hand look like a receiver.  I can, after all, follow the conversation without the half-ass visual effects.

Open a Starbucks inside a library.  See who breaks first…the quiet librarian or the barista who has to shout the order when it’s ready even though the customer is only two feet away.

Dance like nobody’s watching, but just to be sure…still cough into my elbow.

Admit that misery loves company and get Mets tickets with a friend.

In order to get more Americans to read it, lobby Oprah to put a driver’s manual on her Book Club list.

Don’t let life pass me by, unless of course it’s behind me in line and only has one item to purchase.  That’s just being kind.

Sue the parents of Balloon Boy for Title IX infractions.

Stop asking out girls with the phrase “Deal or No Deal?”

Invent a “sometimesy”phone.

Meditate more.  Or stress more.  Whichever comes first.

Convince Arkansas that “Mixed Martial Arts” has nothing to do with painting for interracial couples.

Get people like you to spread the word about  Thanks!  Happy New Year!  All the best in 2010.

Categories: Columns