Since when did werewolves spend so much time on their abs? I haven’t been going to the movies lately but according to the promo I keep seeing, that’s how it is now. Wolf people howling at the moon in between sets of planks and crunches. I bet vampires still drink blood, but only between servings of Muscle Milk. Is the entire monster world going down the crapper?

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about…and I hope most of you don’t…there’s a hit new movie called “New Moon”. It made more money in the first thirty seconds it was out than NASA will ever see for the real moon. I haven’t seen it yet, but I plan to. You may think that goes against my normal pattern, but here’s why…This film is setting records for ticket sales, and on top of that, I know nothing about its story. On the contrary, I never saw “Titanic” because although it also set records, I already knew the story. Same thing with “Apollo 13”, “300”, and “Rambo” 2 through 17.

What troubles me about the “New Moon” series, however, is the transition that nobody saw coming. The last I checked, teenage werewolves looked like Michael J. Fox and did backflips on top of vans. Now they’re on Stage 5 of the Atkins Diet and have a thing for Taylor Swift. By the way, doesn’t she write songs about how scary high school is? Well sure…high school is scary now. Before, it was just plain ol’ awkward. Back then kids just had puberty getting them in trouble. Now, when upper classmen need ammo for a food fight, they rip off a Freshman’s nuts. Acne and a cracked voice don’t seem so bad now do they, ladies? Say what you want about that dorky, asthmatic boy pushing the audio/video cart, but chances are he would never bite your face off. Not unless you played keep-away with his inhaler. Yes indeed, Miss Swift, high school just got even more terrifying.

I believe that monsters have their place in life. If Hollywood decides that place should be high school, then I think silver bullets and garlic should have the same effect as cookie dough and onion rings have the night before yearbook picture day. It won’t kill ya, but you’re gonna wish your 8 x 10s came with some Clearasil.

Speaking of garlic, this movie apparently features teenage vampires as well. So it’s just like other vampire movies, only the sequel involves Van Helsing being trapped by Chris Hanson and Dateline NBC.

A high school filled with vampires and werewolves. In theory, that’s enough to make the school mascot look more like a candy ass than normal. But keep in mind these teenage monsters have to fight after hours. It’s got to be hard to intimidate anybody when you have to protect your braces with a night guard. Just sayin.

As much as I’m being a smartass, I do plan on seeing this movie, but I haven’t a clue what to expect. Basically, when I look at the promo for it, I have the same look that New Moon fans have when they see a rotary phone or the nightly news. Pure confusion. But I’m committed to seeing it. I’m tempted to go wearing overalls and waving a pitchfork in the air, like an angry mob of villagers is forming in the lobby.

I’ll of course have a full report ready when I’m done, so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I have to try and get my inhaler back.

Categories: Columns