Thank God someone is watching out for me and my well being.  Some legislators in New York want to monitor salt levels and possibly force food manufacturers to reduce sodium in their products.  It's about time!!  New York is full of evil, nefarious threats.  Things like gangs, ponzi schemers, and pretzels.  Any of these can pop up out of nowhere and wreak serious havoc, whether it be through guns, finances, or dry mouth.  And we are fortunate to have people nice enough to put our safety in mind.  

And so the war against food and food additives wages on.  The shock and awe campaign started with the attack on that diabolical monster known as trans fat.  I knew about trans fat before.  But thankfully someone came in and prevented me from eating it.  I have a choice about other things in life.  But this is fat.  And I shouldn't have a choice when it comes to fat and my body.  If I did have that choice, who knows what I would have done.  Enjoyed my food, sure . . . but at what expense?!  I feel so saved now.  

But why stop at trans fat and salt?  I personally think they should just ban calories altogether.  Unfortunately that's like banning oxygen.  It exists everywhere.  What a tough break.  Well, the food police were at least able to force fast food restaurants in New York to include their calorie amounts next to each menu item.  Because when a single mom in a hurry pulls up to the drive thru, she shouldn't have the luxury of getting three Happy Meals without doing a little math first.  Why should the experience be "fast" anymore anyway?  That concept is way over-rated.  Besides, we as normal people are too stupid to know that a trip to a grease pit isn't the best choice for dinner.  Left to fend for ourselves, we'd eat and eat and eat like goldfish until we went belly up.  And there are enough GM plants doing that already.  If the government didn't step in, our stupidity would kill us.  I am grateful beyond words.

So take that, sodium!!  You're next!  Mr. Salty and that wicked little Morton's girl are in the crosshairs.  I hope you had a nice run, because your days of preying on individuals with the capability of making their own decisions are numbered!  We have a hero now.  Like Spiderman, only with much lower blood pressure.  Hooray, government officials!!  

If this initiative takes off, they could literally go the extra mile and take salt away from our irresponsible hands.  In which case, the ones who benefit the most from all this are in the next generation.  When we were in college, the first guy up from the table at Waffle House got super salted.  That's what I used to call the process of unscrewing the salt shaker top so when that person used it upon his return, his omelet would be doused with salt, a substance now known by a more adequate name — Devil Crystals.  Fortunately, college kids will someday enjoy their late night dining experience without the hindrance of either humor or taste.  They have no idea how great they're going to have it.  Lucky stiffs. 

Sure, playing salt pranks like that can be funny, but so can running with scissors.  Which, by the way, should be banned, because we're much too dense to be trusted with sharp objects.  When will our elected officials wake up and realize that?  What are we paying taxes for anyway?  I'm not sure anymore, but what I am sure of is that this bag of Doritos I'm enjoying should be slapped away by a mayor or a state senator.  Because I love them too much, and I just can't trust myself to live my life by making my own decisions.  Thank you, Government.  Keep up the terrific work. 

Categories: Columns