At the end of every year, I like to make a list of things that I plan on doing in the coming year. Some people call them “resolutions”. I call them “Resolutions in High Def”. I’m not sure why, really, but if you have a regular analog TV, you may not get these.

Here we go….my resolutions in high def:

In the interests of international good will, get Kim Jong Il to seriously consider changing his last name to Jingleheimerschmidt.

Corner the toddler video game market with Xylophone Hero.

Stop global warming. Or write thank-you notes. Whichever comes first.

When dealing with Sprint customer service on the phone, I will remain calm and stop asking, “Are you Miss Teen South Carolina?”

Attempt to sit through the scariest movie ever made: Dateline NBC’s Undercover Exposé of Hotel Germs.

Focus more on what’s impor…hey, a woodpecker!!

Stop giggling whenever I say “woodpecker”.

Switch to decaf HGH.

Get Rachael Ray to say “delish” without having any food involved, if you get where I’m coming from.

Invent a new abbreviation for text messaging use. Holy crap, that idea is FKWEPQA!!

Walk into a room, passing out 100-dollar bills.

Write and direct “Aqua Dots the Musical”.

Forgive Roger Clemens for using steroids if he would please throw fastballs at Drew Peterson’s nuts.

Invent a reality show featuring the New York Knicks and Miami Dolphins. But think of a good name for it because The Biggest Loser is already taken.

Have a great new year, everybody. Remember to reach for the stars and always…hey, a woodpecker!!!

Categories: Columns