It’s been a while since the knee injury, so time to follow up. The MRI confirmed that I ruptured my patella tendon. “Patella”, by the way, is a Latin word that means “If you hate pain, don’t rupture this”.

Surgery was needed, so I called my surgeon friend Kaveh in Kentucky. Since I was 10 years old, I have had a list of three utterances I thought I’d never say. They were… 1. “This soccer game is an absolute thrill ride to watch!”, 2. “Whoopi Goldberg really speaks to me.” and 3. “I’m going to Kentucky to have surgery”. Now, shockingly, I can cross one of those off that list. Having surgery in the Bluegrass State made me feel like a thoroughbred. If I didn’t drive a station wagon, I’d be a perfect candidate to put out to stud.

I kid, of course. Lexington has a ton of incredible clinics and surgeons, and Kaveh is one of them. He assured me that this procedure was fairly routine. Surprisingly, the patella tendon is quite important even though it’s widely ignored and taken for granted. Basically, it’s like having the C-Span Channel in your knee.

Before surgery, they of course knocked me out with anesthesia. It’s a lot like a drunk black out, with the main exception being that with anesthesia, the hospital is where you start, not end. Those in the medical field call it “controlled fun”.

Surgery went well, so they say. I was excited to hear that. Almost as excited as my friends were to hear that I was going to get pain killers. I don’t know what it is about pain medication, but many people seem to think they’re Tic Tacs and should be doled out randomly to anyone who wants one. Several of my friends have asked me to “hook them up”. I wish I could, people, but I need them because I have pieces of metal sutures currently keeping my C-Span tendon attached to my kneecap. You want my medication because you want to catch a buzz to get through your boring shift at Jamba Juice.

Pain killers are nice, but they have side effects, which are more plentiful than I thought. The worst side effect of pain killers is that they eventually wear off. The second worst side effect is that they actually make “The View” tolerable to watch. I never would have guessed that. Come to think of it, I can now cross that Whoopi Goldberg line off the list. This is getting scary.

Daytime TV in general isn’t that bad when you’re on Lortab pills, with one very big exception…that guy who keeps reminding us that he’s “thiiiiiiinking of a number”. I hope he knows that 780 is his credit score as well as how many people he irritates per minute.

I actually started my recuperation at Kaveh’s house with his wonderful wife and kids. They were super amazing and extremely patient, especially when I watched Judge Joe Brown after taking my pills and kept yelling “Objection!!” whenever he broke to commercial.

I stayed with them for four days, then came back to NYC. Now I’m living with crutches and an immobilizing brace for five more weeks. I’m getting used to hobbling around, and from what I hear from my friends, crutches are a good way to get attention from the ladies. Then again, some of them work at Jamba Juice. No judgment, just saying that some advice should be taken with a grain of salt, not orange-flavored energy boost.

It’s hard to believe it’s already been three weeks since this started. I hope the rehab goes by just as quickly. Just in case I have to pass the time…I’m watching a lot of soccer with the hopes of finishing off that list of mine. But I seriously doubt that’s going to happen. Wish me luck on the recovery.

Here are some photos for you….

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Me listening to Kaveh explain why he cannot be bribed to make my knee bionic.

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New crutches and knee brace. No attention from the ladies yet, but I do get to sit in the handicapped subway seats. Sweet liberty!

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