I’ve been living in New York for almost three months now, and I’m still amazed at how global this place is. It seems like hundreds of nations are represented here, and there’s usually a parade down Park Avenue every week to remind us of it.

It’s such a cool environment. I love learning about other cultures, and I got plenty of opportunity for that while watching soccer the past few weeks at some local bars. As you know, they just completed the very popular FIFA World Cup. In case you weren’t aware, FIFA stands for

For the love of God
Is someone going to
F*@&*# score a goal
At some point, please?!?!

True, I have never been a soccer fan, but watching all these expatriates get excited over a game is awe inspiring. It got me thinking. American sports fans are way behind the curve when it comes to team pride. Some think that putting a wedge of oversized cheese on their heads is what defines spirit. But unless that cheese can ignite a riot in at least four languages, it’s bush league in my book.

I’m kidding about the fighting, of course. To my knowledge, there were no ugly incidents amongst soccer fans this year. In fact, I think Germany played their role as World Cup host to perfection. There were no hooligan riots, no televised racism, and no David Hasselhoff sightings. They did a fine job of shoving their step-child celebrity in the cellar for a month. Very commendable and considerate of you, Germany! Many dankas!

Actually, the Hoffster (a nickname that’s super cool because he gave it to himself) is a judge on “America’s Got Talent”…a show I just can’t watch, even if Hasselhoff were to reunite with the KITTster. This show highlights a huge difference between us and countries like Germany. They proved to the world that they’re willing to conceal their entertainment blemishes, whereas we prefer to exploit them for cheap TV programming.

The way I understand it, “America’s Got Talent” is a giant talent show involving anything but tact. I don’t think that’s wise. The U.S. isn’t exactly winning popularity contests around the world. Is it really a good idea to tell the planet we’re extremely talented only to parade some 15-minute seekers on stage so they can play the spoons with their ass cheeks? Not exactly a page from the world diplomacy manual, I don’t think.

If TV execs are going to continue to serve crap as a product, then the sports landscape becomes even more important in terms of how the rest of the world perceives our culture. When you think of it like that, it’s really a shame that our team gets waxed every four years in the most popular sport on Earth. But it’s not just soccer. Foreign talent is kicking ass in everything, even in sports we invented, like hot dog eating. That’s right, the annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest was won (again) by Japanese champion Takeru Kobyashi, a name which translates in English to “putrefied colon”.

Here’s the kicker…the kid only weighs about 120 pounds. Holy crap, people…we’re the fattest country ever and we can’t even win a competition that rewards gluttony. And we’re losing to a runt! It’s like Germany falling to Pakistan in a dominatrix lust contest. Where’s the outcry?

It’s about time we step it up, America! International flavor in sports is exciting, just as it is in Times Square during rush hour. The diverse environment reminds me that as fat and bloated as we’re trying to make the world, it’s actually a very small place. And I’m cool with that. But come on! Is a world championship in anything besides frivolous lawsuits out of the question? I know we can do it. All we need is some more gumption and drive.

Remember Rocky Balboa? Remember Lance Armstrong? Remember the people who built this city on rock and roll? They had heart, and we should all follow their lead. So let’s roll up our sleeves, put down the ass cheek spoons, and get serious.

In the meantime, I will practice signing my new stage name… “The Stadtster”.

Categories: Columns