Well, folks…an entire year has passed us yet again. Have any of us accomplished the resolutions that we confidently laid down last December? If you represent the average American, then the answer is a resounding “no”. Your garage is still cluttered, your long lost college friends remain unaccounted for, and you’re still fat.

But honestly, that’s fine. Life is busy and we should only accomplish what we can. It’s good to have grandiose goals that are difficult to get to, such as overthrowing Castro or cleaning the bathroom. But sometimes it’s better to put forth promises that are much easier to keep. Like getting a better cell phone plan so you’re not always screening calls during prime daytime hours like some sort of fugitive on the lam. (You should also strive to not become a fugitive. Rather, you should either obey the law or enter the NBA and do whatever you want.)

I have listed my personal resolutions in the past, and I will do so again here. If you have already completed your list, you can compare it to mine. If you haven’t, this may provide some suggestions, but I doubt it.

  1. Subscribe to the New York Times but give them a fake address and non-existent credit card number. When they call to complain, claim my Visa info remains an anonymous source. Ah, karma.
  2. Stop telling people that my Spidey sense is tingling whenever my foot falls asleep.
  3. Give BALCO steroids to my bank account. If the IRS calls, claim it was flaxseed oil.
  4. Grow more hair.
  5. Start a hair band.
  6. Quit the hair band and wait for VH-1 to call about doing a band breakup documentary because they’re tired of showing “I Love the ’80s” every 30 minutes.
  7. Stop watching VH-1 every 30 minutes.
  8. Marry a condiment heiress. Then run for office in order to show America why you should avoid marrying a condiment heiress.
  9. Propose to Congress a bill requiring everyone to wait tables for at least two months. (Everyone out there who has waited tables is applauding that one.)
  10. Somehow send an electric shock to the nuts of anyone who yells out “Get ‘er done” during a comedy show that does not involve Larry the Cable Guy.
  11. Start a tour called The Caucasian Kings of Comedy. Wait for the ACLU and Al Sharpton to call, then claim that I apparently failed to drink the required “double-standard juice”.
  12. Develop a season ticket plan for churches, therefore guaranteeing that those people who show up only at Christmas will stand in the back next to the crying babies and cell phone rings.
  13. Tell Dan Rather that I’m his child. See if he reports that one.
  14. Tell the people in my life that I love them dearly. Then ask them for money.
  15. Gather all the men who own something that says “#1 Dad” on it, then coordinate a playoff system to truly decide who can make that claim. (Suck it, BCS.)
  16. Write an angry letter to the makers of the game “Grand Theft Auto”, imploring them to include Saturns. I drive a Saturn, and nowadays it’s crucial to get “street credibility”, yaknowwhaI’msayinyo?
  17. Attempt to not laugh whenever a Subway Deli worker squeezes an almost-empty mustard bottle and only gets a fart sound.
  18. Invent a search engine called “Jack”. When it becomes a verb like Google is, it will be funny to hear people say, “I can’t find your website…I better go Jack it.”
  19. Mature to the point where stupid, cheesy jerk-off and fart jokes don’t make it onto a list in my humor columns.
  20. Repeat, rather than just lather and rinse.
  21. Propose to Congress another bill. One that would institute traffic laws into shopping malls. That way, there would be a right lane for those shoppers who like to walk slow and look at every single thing for sale, and a left lane for, well, men.
  22. Learn the art of mind reading, so when a girl says, “You don’t have to get me anything for my birthday”, I will automatically know that’s bullshit.
  23. Tie a yellow ribbon around an old elm tree, just to be different and edgy.
  24. Run with scissors, just to see what all the fuss is about.
  25. Convince my mom that my cell phone voicemail is not an answering machine. Maybe then she’ll stop leaving messages saying, “Keith, pick up the phone if you’re there. Pickuppickuppickuppickuppickuppickuppickup (to the tune of any Christmas song that happens to be on her mind).
  26. Tell AOL that we have to see other people. Try to explain that it’s not them, it’s me…ah, who am I kidding? Of course it’s them.
  27. Wear a cape, but I’ll wear it underneath my clothing. If anyone sees it sticking out, I will say, “I’m on break.”

There you have it. I hope you people stick to your resolutions like I intend to stick to mine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go…my Spidey sense is tingling.

Categories: Columns