This column is way overdue, so let me explain. I’ve been incredibly busy with some projects, one of which was my trip to Washington DC. I went with the intention of doing comedy at the Improv and maybe check out some sites. It turned into so much more.

Let me first say that the Improv is by far one of the best clubs I have ever worked. Thanks to John X and all the gang up there!

I’ll also say that the city itself is amazing. So much to see and do and filibuster in that town. Memorials, historical sites, the Smithsonian… they have everything. I bet that rolled up piece of paper from School House Rock (the special-interest bill that later became a special-interest law) could be found somewhere if I looked hard enough.

I went to the Smithsonian, and I have to admit that it is one of my favorite places to see. It has it all, which is why I refer to it as “The Holding Place for Everything Ever Done, Made, or Said in all of History, Except Who Killed JFK So Stop Asking or We’ll Kick You Out”. You can’t possibly see all of it in a day. So if you’re hurting on time, you must choose between the museums of American history, air and space history, and all the other history that you should have learned while you were writing “Ozzy Rules” on your textbooks in high school. May I suggest the Museum of Natural History. There you can see some amazing earthly relics from eras like the Cennozoic Age: trilobite fossils, stegosaurus bones, and Tom Brokaw’s baby booties. A sight to behold and cherish.

I chose to visit the museum on a Thursday, thinking that because it was a weekday, there wouldn’t be much of a crowd. However, I forgot to consider the cluster of people that museum curators everywhere abhor… third grade field trip groups. Everyone has to enter through a metal detector at the front of the museum, which explains why I didn’t see any high school field trips… the line to be frisked would have looped Capitol Hill.

But there were plenty of third graders, who I called “fat kittens”, assuming that if they stayed in the area their whole lives, they would grow up to be… well, you know. I also felt obligated to further their educational experience while their teachers were busy having their flasks “confiscated” by the curators. I taught them, for example, that:

  • The T-Rex, because of his short arms, never flossed. He died of gingivitis and tartar buildup.
  • Early man used caves as shelter. They became nomads only after female companions complained, “We never go anywhere.” and
  • Archeological evidence tells us that Native Americans drank a concoction that resembled beer. Smoke signals were used early on as war declarations, peace signs, and late night booty calls.

Getting kicked out of the world famous museum wasn’t a big deal, really. It was getting late, and I needed to get to my top secret meeting with the government. It turns out that someone within the administration loves my website and visits it often. For security purposes, she asked that I not use her full name, so I’ll just call her Condoleeza. She came to one of my shows and we briefly discussed some ideas I have. Next thing I know, I have a meeting set up with the President. Shout outs to Condy!

Pulling up to the White House was cool. The lineup of vehicles out front was something like this: black limo, black limo, off-white Saturn, black limo. I figured they would pick me up, but I guess they wanted my car to spruce up the joint a little. So I just met them there.

The meeting was scheduled because President Bush, who I called “Texesh” because that’s the way he pronounces his beloved Lone Star State, heard of my brilliant idea to have American teenagers serve as code warriors against terrorism. Similar to how our troops used the Sioux Indian language as a code during World War II, I propose that the ohmahgodlikeyeah generation teach us what the hell stuff like LMAO means and then use such internet abbreviations as a new war code. Osama, if he reads such communication, will respond with nervousness, fear, and downright confusion: “I don’t know what L8R means, but there’s a sideways smiley face at the end of every statement. That’s just creepy, Hakmed. Get my camel. Stat!”

The proposal I gave Texesh was much more detailed, and included many more emoticons (like :0 and :)’ and even the ambiguous :~ ) as well as a strategy to infiltrate the Al Qaeda teenage contingent. I’m not allowed to divulge that plan in this column, but let’s just say that it involves over-rated tattoos, crappy music, and cell phones that are apparently too important to turn off in a movie theatre. We’re calling it “Operation: Annoyance Overload”. At this point, the President informed me that Al Qaeda members already listen to crappy music. Touché.

Phase II is called “Operation: Teenage Apathy” in which we bombard the terrorists with hordes or people who just don’t care about anything that’s not on MTV’s “Real World” and drive them insane, like when a five-year-old doesn’t get attention and then pouts about it. By the way, how ironic of a name is “The Real World” for that show? It’s less real than Pokemon. But whatever.

The meeting went well, but it was cut short when we heard that someone actually found out where Dick Cheney was. It was a startling discovery, because up to that point we all thought he was just made up, like “Simone” from that Al Pacino movie.

I received a tour of the premises before leaving, and it was awesome! I found it interesting how different administrations hang onto the property of former White House tenants. There was furniture from the Roosevelt years, paintings from the Lincoln era, even little black books from you-know-who*. I guess they have to hang on to all that stuff. What else are they going to do? Have a garage sale in the Rose Garden and lure every bargain basement cheap-ass haggler to the property at 6 AM?

“How much for the Ulysses S. Grant toaster oven, Mrs. Bush?”
“Ten bucks.”
“I’ll give you fifty cents.”

Overall, the trip to DC was without question an incredible experience. I had a great week at the Improv, and of course meeting with Texesh and Mrs. Rice (oops… I mean Condoleeza) was wonderful and totally surreal. I’m just a simple man with good ideas. It’s about time some higher-up political heads started paying attention. And after sounding out LMAO, my guess is that it’s a new Asian cuisine that has somehow become more popular than body piercings.

*Martin van Buren (well, duh!)

Categories: Columns