Writings

Judging Vengeance


April 28th, 2012

It’s often said that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.  So very true.  Thankfully, it says nothing about books that are now movies….so let’s get started.

When I first heard about “The Hunger Games”, my initial reaction was that somebody put a hidden camera inside a Golden Corral.  I love buffets, so that’s my kind of place.  The only phrase I like better than “all you can eat” is “bottomless cup of coffee”.  Or maybe “Miss Tennessee would like to buy you a drink”.

I don’t know much about this movie.  Something about a post-apocalyptic society that stages a killing contest….with teenagers.  Classy, huh?  Basically, the Hunger Games is “The Running Man” for people who have never heard of “The Running Man”.  The high school characters fight using what comes natural to them…online bullying.  I mean archery.  Of course, archery.  You know how kids are with the bows and arrows.  It’s a perfect fit that just screams “relatable”.  I think the winner gets a life supply of other stuff kids love, like tree mulch and museum passes.

But one book-to-movie coming out is getting a ton of buzz.  Not only do they have 17 promos per half hour, but my webmaster reminds me about it like it’s an old bar tab I haven’t paid.

That’s right, The Avengers is coming.  Or The Avengers are coming.  Whatever.  When you can make millions of dollars with space villains and freak heroes, subject-verb agreement is as insignificant as the Wonder Twins.

The Avengers.  What exactly are they avenging?  Who knows?  With these street gangs nowadays, anything’s possible.  I bet the Hulk flashed the wrong hand signal at the wrong time.  (You know how green people are.)

Anyhooven, like the Hunger Games, this movie is based on a book.  Not a real book but the comic variety. You know, where authors express a character’s emotions with vibrant words like “Argh!”, “Kablammo!”, and other phrases that elicit hope that the movie script strays far from the original dialogue.

I’m still in the dark about what this movie is about. Here’s what I know for the most part…the guy from Pulp Fiction lost an eye battling snakes on a plane, so he got a job recruiting for an organization called S.H.I.E.L.D., which I believe is an acronym that only translates into binary code.

He scouts for talent and signs up-and-coming superheroes to multi-year contracts.  Some don’t make it, like Manatee Boy, the seacow wunderkind and Rook, the Norse god of competitive chess.

The heroes that do make it to the big leagues, and are thus in this film, are…

Iron Man.  His real name is Tony Stark, a billionaire playboy…like a Mitt Romney / Herman Cain monster hybrid. Stark builds a suit of iron and fights bad guys. It’s a great idea, but it would be better if he had a sidekick ironing board that squeaked annoyingly whenever he unfolds it.

Black Widow.  A super spy who fights villains hoping they’re not holding a rolled up newspaper and a can of Raid.

Thor.  Norse god of thunder. Who’s the Norse god of lightning?  You gotta wait for the prequel.

Captain America.  He’s a World War II vet who hasn’t aged, so his biggest contribution is saving the country from more social security payouts. He’s actually the result of a science experiment in which human strength is maximized.  That explains why halfway through the movie, he leaves after getting subpoenaed to the Roger Clemens trial.

The Hulk.  Already subpoenaed.

Hawkeye.  A master archer.  Because you never know when America will get attacked by the Sheriff of Nottingham.  The Avengers were able to get Hawkeye because obviously somebody’s agent couldn’t land a Hunger Games audition.

The bad guy in all of this is Loki, a super villain.

You don’t really find out what his problem is until you learn his full name is Loki Laufeyson.  Who wouldn’t be pissed off with parents like that?  Apparently he can’t take his frustrations out on his folks, so he hits the Big Apple. Because when you’re angry and need to chill, that’s the place to go…New York.  So relaxing and tranquil.  It’s really the perfect place to settle your mind.  Oh, wait…it’s not.  Maybe Loki tried to unwind, but after all the honking, slow tourists, and showers changing temperatures without warning, it’s no surprise he went nutty.

Thank God he did, because now we have this movie!  I can’t wait to see it.  And that’s as honest as Miss Tennessee wanting to buy me a drink.  Kablammo!

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