Writings

Got to be honest. I love sports, but I don’t care much for the NBA, where players think good defense is reserved for divorce court.

Some NBA stories, however, are harder to ignore than a four-step travel.

Take, for instance, Mikhail Prokhorov. He’s the majority owner of the New Jersey Nets, which many consider to be the Khloe Kardashian of the league….a team that makes a lot of money, but nobody’s sure if they really belong in the family. Not only that, but Mr. Prokhorov, a billionaire of WTF proportions, is running for President of Russia!!!

Prokhorov (pronounced like Sean Connery is saying “Poppycock”) made his money in the precious metals market. Of course almost everything in Russia is precious, from gold and oil to brides and free speech. Regardless, he could soon run a country the size of Charles Barkley’s “before” photo. Quite impressive!

We’re certainly no strangers to sports figures in politics. Nebraska coach Tom Osborne, boxing champ Manny Pacquiao, Running Man Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s completely logical. After dealing with rabid opponents and manic egos, pro athletes are practically trained to either run for office or host “The Bachelor”.

We even have political titles in the sports landscape. Sacramento “Kings”, The “President’s” Cup, free agent “Prince” Fielder. Not to mention political controversies like conference expansion (imperialism) and watching the New York Mets (legalized torture).

Therefore, not only do I wish Mr. Poppycock the best, but I think it’s silly that we don’t have sports figures running for the Oval Office here in the U.S. of A., for a large variety of reasons.

For example:

Paul Allen, owner of the Seattle Seahawks. He also co-created Microsoft. Therefore, important presidential orders would be met with a cartoon paperclip asking “Looks like you’re invading Iran. Are you sure?” Rash decisions would be a thing of the past, at least until he converts to Mac.

That Jets fan who wears the Fireman hat. He spells J-E-T-S and gets 80,000 people to do it with him for three long, agonizing hours. Anyone who gets in character to lead a Sesame Street cheer probably can’t run a country, but he could surely get kids interested in world affairs. Besides, anyone who can get that excited watching the Jets has to be crazy about stuff like tax reform.

Tim Tebow. Okay…I know, I know. Separation of church and state. Blah blah blah. But regardless of your opinion of him, he got things done with below-average ability. It’s like he’s already writing his resume for Congress.

The announcer from Telemundo. That guy could make C-Span sound exciting. “The Yays have it!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!”

Dick Vitale. Sure, he’s more annoying than cheerleaders spelling out “Be Aggressive”, but admit it….if he calls everyone “Baby”, that can only lead to peace. (Unless other leaders locate the remote control’s mute button like the rest of us.)

John Madden. He keeps it simple, makes his point through diagrams, and says “Boom” a lot. The world could use a guy like that to effectively explain the Middle East crisis.

Rex Grossman, quarterback of the Washington Redskins. An odd choice, I admit. But when the season started, he predicted the Redskins would win the NFC East. Anyone that nuts will no doubt have an idea of how to read Kim Jong Un, and that’s good for something.

Those guys who eat hot dogs real fast. For once, politicians can make us just as nauseated as usual, but do it in record time!!

The list could go on and on. There’s got to be more examples. Who should be added? Add your suggestion and pass along to friends.

Poppycock 2012!

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