Writings

2012 Resolutions


December 29th, 2011

Usually at this time of the year, we make promises to ourselves that read like Kim Jong Il’s trumped up bio. Then somewhere around January 10, when the hangover wears off, we review that list. That’s when we utter what North Koreans do after they defect and see Kim’s resume…. “This is insane.”

For example, Kim Jong Il claimed to have written six operas in a year. You promise to stop eating chocolate.

Kim claimed to sink 11 holes-in-one during a single round of golf. You promise to finish a triathlon without gasping like a grounded trout.

Each of these lines, when said out loud to friends, would be followed by laughter echoing down the halls. Halls by the way, that you never even found time to deck.

But nonetheless, it’s our nature to make goals. It’s in our DNA to want the new year to be better. So I have listed what I plan to accomplish in 2012. Some of these will be harder than finding a single person who’s not fake crying at Kim Jong Il’s funeral. But I don’t care. I’m ready to….

Compliment Southwest Airlines for their open seating policy, then convince them to rename their boarding groups to “Group A”, “Group B”, and “Group Middle Seat”.

Invent a 24-sided dreidel for Jews who love both Hanukkah and Dungeons & Dragons.

Create a dating site for the bitter and jaded called “F-harmony!”.

Write a novel entitled “The Girl with Tattoo Remorse”.

Get married. Rack up on expensive gifts. Get divorced. Write thank you note to the Kardashians.

Go sky diving, go Rocky Mountain climbing, go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.

Join Foursquare. Become the Mayor of McDonald’s. Challenge incumbent Mayor McCheese to a debate.

Encourage churches across America to raise funds through a lottery system. They collect the phone numbers of everyone in the congregation, then randomly call one during each Sunday service. If that person still has his phone on and it rings, that person’s tithe just went up to 25%.

As an homage to Judy Blume, write a book for kids with ADHD called “Are You There God? It’s … Hey, a Squirrel!”

Stop asking the pale barista down the street if Team Edward is going to a bowl game.

Stop asking Iranian cabbies the same thing about Team Jacob.

Convince states to drop Voter ID laws. Instead, require that people can only vote if they truly understand the difference between “you’re” and “your”.

Revise my TV audition resume. Stop claiming that I’m a stand-in double for the show “Hung”.

Convince readers to forward this to anyone who needs a laugh or two. Or sink 11 holes in one. Whichever comes first.

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