Writings

A little over two years ago, a wayward goose knocked a jet into the Hudson River. It was only through the heroic efforts of a veteran pilot was everyone on board saved. Seems like we need another Captain Sully, only this time it’s not birds we should worry about, but that creepy neon Lunesta butterfly that lands on random people to put them to sleep. He’s been awfully busy at air traffic control towers across the country, like a terrorist Tooth Fairy. And he must be stopped.

I’m not sure why there’s a sudden epidemic of sleepy air traffic personnel. Maybe they’re just now watching the Butler / UConn game and, like everyone else in America, can’t help but nod off.

It’s difficult to believe that we finally have a job in this country for which meth addicts are more qualified. Those people can stay awake for weeks, and none of them would ask for breaks to brush their tooth.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not judging these napsters. I’m sure all of us have fallen asleep at work. Thing is, when I used to do it as a result of hangovers and boring sales meetings, the whole world didn’t hear about it. If the media ever made it a story, I would have created the first ever Starbucks IV drip.

What’s happening in control towers the past few weeks is downright embarrassing. We’re at the point now where pilots don’t know if the guys in charge are awake or just talking in their sleep.
“Requesting clearance to land, over.”
“Shut up! I’m not going to school today, Mom!”

Of course instead of admitting fault and showing just an ounce of shame, the workers are getting defensive, even doling out complaints. “We’re fatigued! We’re overworked! And what’s up with the bedbugs? Seriously. Oh, and whoever the cleaning lady is, can you not tuck in the sheets so damn tight? Geez!”

I think the next time one of these guys dozes off, someone should wake them dressed as Freddy Kruger. Just to scare the point into them.

Better yet, before every shift, we should tell each worker that their girlfriend missed a period. The only things that have been scientifically proven impossible to sleep through are Metallica concerts and pregnancy scares. Besides, it will no doubt help their prayer life in the process.

Or how about we slip in a question during the interview process?
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Who are some references we may contact?”
“What’s your sleep number?”

If any answer all of those without hesitation, I say we don’t hire that one.

I don’t mean to make light of a disturbing situation, but something has to be done. At the very least, get these guys a butterfly net.

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