Writings

Well here we are again. It’s time for March Madness. It’s a special time when people can throw around terms like dance, bubbles, slippers, and sweet 16 without being labeled a weirdo MTV groupie.

Since I love this time of year, I’ve put together a list of tidbit info for those of you who want to know more about what’s going on.

Why do they call it “March Madness”?
Because everyone who fills out a bracket knows what it’s like to lose the office pool to a receptionist who thinks a “box out” means ordering lunch.

Where will the Final Four be played?
In Houston, TX. You’ll remember that the Super Bowl was just played in Dallas, TX. The Lone Star State is handing out so many rings, they’re changing their nickname to the “Larry King State”. ZING!

Who’s the best team in the tournament?
Well…the highest #1 seed is Ohio State. They will be playing the lowest seed, which is Hampton. Hampton’s odds of winning the tournament stand at 5,000 to 1. Which means if you put $20 on Hampton to win the whole thing, and they do, you will make as much money as a quarterback at Ohio State. Go irony!

Has a 16 seed ever done well?
No 16 seed has ever won a game. Ever. In fact, it’s such a guaranteed loss, all of the lowest seeds this year will just wear shirts that say “Palin 2012”.

How many teams are in the tournament?
104. No, 68. I often confuse that question with “How many voices are in Charlie Sheen’s head?”
There are now 68 teams. It was 65 last year, and 64 before that. I think the NCAA is secretly run by politicians trying to subliminally convince us to raise the retirement age.

Was anyone left out who expected to get invited?
There are always teams who feel jilted. This year, Harvard said they felt they deserved to get in. Maybe it’s a matter of who your dad knows on the admissions board, I mean, uh….the selection committee.

What is a “Cinderella” team?
That means a team that wins against all odds. Which makes me think they chose the wrong Disney character. After all, winning basketball sounds like a more amazing accomplishment for a team of Seven Dwarves.

What’s this controversy I hear about BYU?
A player was dismissed from the BYU team for admitting to having sex with his girlfriend. Well technically, he said he got an F, but he was in a such a good mood when he said it, they knew what he meant.

Who’s the most colorful personality during the tournament?
Dick Vitale, probably. Some fans say when he talks, people listen. What that basically means is that when he talks, people have to listen as they struggle to find the remote control and hit mute, babyyyyyy.
Honestly, I like Vitale’s enthusiasm, but he thinks everybody is so “awesome” and “sensational” that he dilutes his praise. You’re an analyst, Dick. Not a Gosselin. You don’t have to love the whole gang.

What are some of the more interesting mascot names this year?
BYU Cougars. They’ve been notified that their mascot name is insensitive to older women who like college boys.
Terriers (Wofford and Boston University). Nothing against dogs. Bulldogs, Huskies. I understand those. But what marketing expert figured that a non-threatening yapper would make a good mascot? We’re playing sports here, not fetching slippers.
Vanderbilt Commodores. I often get flack for this since this is my alma mater. Okay, not the best mascot in the world, but the school’s founder held the nickname “Commodore” because he ferried people in New York…and because his wife was a brickhouse.
Akron Zips. You need a package delivered overnight? Well, Akron Zips.
Georgetown Hoyas. “Hoyas” is an old native American term that means, “Takes many steps before shooting”.
Saint Peter’s Peacocks. NBC will fire anyone who picks against them in the office pool.
Cincinnati Bearcats. You shouldn’t be allowed to mix mascots like that, Dr. Moreau. Why not just call yourselves the “Mad Scientists” or the “Weird Tourist Trap Gift Shop Clerks Who Think Jackalopes are Real”?

Where can I watch the games?
For the first time ever, FOUR places….CBS, TBS, TNT, and TruTV. I like that we can watch all the games, but TruTV????
Let’s take a look at the programming on TruTV:
“Doomsday Scenarios”…a look at 13 ways the world could end today. 14 if you include Hampton going all the way.
“Hardcore Pawn” and “Mother Truckers”. Catchy, marketable names that sound just a little bit off from their dirty counterparts. I bet TruTV agreed to show basketball because they thought “The Big Dance” was a reality show about strippers. It must be awkward to have egg on your face when you were expecting glitter.

Do you have any favorites? Who will win it all?
I will have a better idea when I get that cheat sheet I ordered from Vegas. I should get it tomorrow, since they sent it using the Akron Zips!
Seriously, my heart says Vanderbilt, but betting with your heart is like inviting Dick Vitale to a Red Bull party. Sounds like a good idea, but you could be disappointed, babyyyyyy! Then again, it could be awesome and sensational. So it could go either way.

Enjoy your March, and don’t hurt the receptionist when she wins.

*Some of these lines were also submitted to Costaki Economopoulos for his “Bleacher Report”.

Comments are closed.