Writings

American Resolution


January 5th, 2011

New Year…time for new Resolutions!!

Many people think that making resolutions is annoying. They say that setting goals and not meeting them only leads to disappointment and frustration. Ridiculous. They’re called “New Year Resolutions”, not “The Whole Year Resolutions”. I plan on making goals that can be met in January. If I meet any of these goals after this month, who cares…at that point they’re old, stale resolutions.

With that being said, here are my aspirations…..

Invent software that automatically tells my sister that I’ve already seen the youtube video she’s about to send me. In fact, I saw it when it was originally posted in 2004.

When commercial agents in New York ask if I can speak any other languages, start saying, “Ouyay eanmay esidesbay igpay atinlay?” That will free up my afternoons when they politely ask me to leave.

Go into a crowded movie theatre with 30 minutes left in a Harry Potter film, sit next to a stranger and ask, “What did I miss?”

In an effort to clean up sloppy typing, start sending text messages that do nothing but fix my friends’ poor grammar. Call it “correxting”. Tip…”you’re” is the right way to say “you are”, not “your”.

The next time I hear a yoga enthusiast mention that most people fart in class, take it as a challenge and sign up. Bring a lighter for special effects.

Stop asking my Latino neighbors if “soy sauce” is Spanish for “I am sauce”.

Lobby The Animal Planet to change the name of the show “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” to something that better describes it, like “I Can’t Read a Map” or “To Me and My Wife, Grizzly Bears are Like Squirrels” or “Weather Report? What’s That?”

Create a more realistic “Survivor” show that consists of contestants walking through Harlem wearing a T-shirt that says “Proud Snitch”.

Get Julian Assange of WikiLeaks to investigate Victoria. Find out what her big secret is.

When people, like my brother, mispronounce it and call it “WikiLinks”, stop ignoring it and ask him sarcastically if he’s talking about tiny sausages at a Chinese buffet.

At the grocery, stop talking to the self-checkout computer voice like it’s a real person. Or…stop insulting her. Whichever makes me look less like a serial killer.

Ask my neighbor if I can borrow her Shake Weight to mash potatoes and/or unclog the toilet. When she asks how I know that she has a Shake Weight, bashfully slip away and laugh like Vincent Price.

Go through airport security wearing nothing but a Snuggie.

Adopt a Chinese kid so I don’t have to pay for an accountant anymore.

These are in no particular order, but I will try my best to get to them all…at least by February.

Happy New Year, but not Happy Whole Year.

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