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It was announced that the Food and Drug Administration (a.k.a. Miami Vice in labcoats) may pass a ban on energy drinks that contain both alcohol and caffeine. That’s bad news for manufacturers…and for college kids who like to party like truckers.

Four states have already banned such drinks, including Utah. Which means the people making the decision have never actually looked around Utah, because banning alcoholic energy drinks in that state is nothing but an open invitation by the government to start a meth habit.

Of course banning energy drinks that already contain alcohol may be the best answer. After all, no sensible college Freshman would ever consider the chemical solution known as 2 parts vodka, 1 part Red Bull. When it comes to actually having fun with science, the government would much rather have every kid left behind.

The brand at the center of the controversy is Four Loko, a Spanish word that means “very alert walk of shame”. One 23-ounce can of Four Loko costs $2.50 but contains as much alcohol as four beers. So for just ten bucks, you can feel what it’s like to be both the chatty woman drinking the triple-shot latte at Starbucks as well as the homeless man passed out in its bathroom.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer is heading the call for the ban and calls such drinks “dangerous” and “toxic”. Which is another way of saying that Anheuser Busch has better lobbyists.

The FDA is conducting research this week and is expected to conclude that caffeine is an “unsafe addition to alcoholic drinks”…but they admit it’s still more safe than a non-caffeinated drink from Ben Roethlisberger.

Regardless of the FDA’s decision and their opinion, drinking on college campuses will go on. It’s as traditional as toga parties, cold pizza, and majoring in communications just to get a degree. If students can’t drink with caffeine, they’ll just find something else. There’s probably even an app for that.

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