Writings

The sporting world has been bustling lately.

The U.S. hockey team lost gold in the Olympics in what went down as the 1,000th thing more exciting than curling. It’s no surprise that Canada has better hockey players than us. What surprises me is that we’re not a permanent powerhouse in this sport. Why don’t we get a fat third grader to play goalie? We have (pardon the pun) a ton of them in this country. They would not only fill up the net, but they would take pucks to the chest like Oreos. Undefeated. Unscored upon.

As for outscoring the opposition, Tiger Woods called a press conference to announce something we already knew…that he likes having ladies play with his 8-wood. The one thing that struck me as odd out of all of this is that the Dali Lama had no idea who Tiger Woods was. Tiger is Buddhist, and the Dali Lama is the Jack Nicklaus of Buddhism. How do you not know who Tiger Woods is? What other Buddhist is more famous than Tiger Woods? Buddha isn’t as famous as Tiger Woods. Know your people, Lama. The head of Massengill knows who Bernie Madoff is, I’m sure. That’s all I’m saying.

Was Tiger really sorry for what he did? He said he was, and for now I guess we have to believe him. Although it’s a telling sign that Augusta National is using his speech to fertilize their greens.

Tiger will certainly pay a price for what he’s done. Sponsorship deals. Fractured marriage. Frequent toothache migraines. Is it enough? I heard one woman on TV say she thinks he should have his dong chopped off. Wow. That’s harsh. Plus, I don’t think that’s fair at all…because then he could legally play from the red tees and kill everyone by 20 strokes.

In other sports, the NFL is holding its annual combine to scout talent. Basically, footballers fresh out of college are put on display. They’re unscrupulously judged while they work out doing what they do best. So now they know what it’s like to be Kirstie Alley at a Golden Corral. It’s cruel in a lot of respects. Players can bust their asses to do their best, which is understandable. But if they excel, they run the risk of getting picked by some of the worst teams in the league who have first dibs. You’d think Tim Tebow, an outspoken religious man, would play for the Saints. But if he does really well, the powers at be could send another Christian to the Lions. Very sad.

Tebow is working hard on improving his image and status. Some say it’s because his style isn’t suitable to the NFL. But the truth is…he was given Michael Vick as a mentor and signed an endorsement deal with Toyota. Hard work ahead, Mr. Tebow.

By the way, many people bitch about the prevalence of sports in our society. They say it’s nothing but a distraction to what’s really going on in the world. To those people I say…Yeah. Exactly! Have you read a paper in the past 500 years? It’s all bad. Who couldn’t use a distraction? In fact, maybe North Korea and Iran would chill out a little if they had a few playboy golfers and juiced up baseball stars to take up mental space. Lose a little focus on what they have to live around. I say we give these countries cheeseheads. You know, like Packers fans have. Real food too, of course. But big foam distractions as well. How can you worry about political strife when you have a wedge of Swiss on your skull? You can’t!

Also, next time Iranians protest their rulers, let’s encourage one of them to streak the field. Hilarious! If it’s timed well, everyone will be laughing and forgetting their problems for five minutes.

So I say, “Long live sports.” Here’s to fat goalies, Buddhist PR teams, and giant foam fingers to dissidents! If there’s a gold medal for good ideas, I should make reservations for the podium. God bless America.

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