The Resolutionary War!

Happy 2004, folks! This is the year when you finally get all that stuff done. Ah yes…those good ol’ resolutions. Whatever it is you want to accomplish, you can do it if you just put your mind to it…unless of course you plan on leading a charge to take reality TV off the air. That fad, unfortunately, is here to stay. I know…I’m weeping too.

Many people look back at past resolutions and ask, “Did I achieve all my goals?” Well, I for one can answer that question without a doubt in my mind and all the confidence in my heart. And my answer is… “sort of”. If you look back at my 2003 resolutions (you can read them in my column from last January), I didn’t accomplish everything set before me. Maybe I set the bar too high. For example, that Mt. Doom was a bitch of a hike. So only some promises were kept. But that’s the fun of making resolutions. It’s like gambling-you honestly can’t expect to win every hand. The real goal is to be victorious just some of the time…then you won’t feel completely like Ralph Nader.

So with the dawn of a new year, it’s time for more resolutions. In case any of you readers give a rat’s ass, below is my list of promises I intend to try to keep…if I remember.

First, the political front. It’s an election year, you know, and there’s a lot to do before November. I intend to do the following:

1. Vote for a politician who doesn’t use attack ads.
2. Well, okay…first I need to find a politician who doesn’t use attack ads.
3. Keep looking.
4. Take a break from looking and clip my nails. Maybe renew my driver’s license.
5. The search continues. Isn’t there one politician with a vision of the future, rather than the past?
6. Solve the mystery of cold fusion-that should be easier than the above mentioned goal.
7. Stay committed to search although it’s taking a while.
8. Admit the futility of the search, finally say “screw it” and just vote for whichever candidate has the hottest daughters.

Second, my social life. Many people don’t think I have much of one because I’m traveling every week. But let me tell you folks…you’re right. Hence, my social life resolutions:

1. Meet a girl at a comedy show who is not with a guy or an annoying bachelorette party. (Note: redundancy of “annoying bachelorette party” is meant for effect)
2. Keep looking
3. Stay committed to search although it’s taking a while.
4. If search ends, try not to piss her off with comments like “your mom is hot” or “you sure do talk a lot”.

Third, I’m a big sports fan, as many of you know. I’ve tried to calm down a bit, but I can’t shake the competitive spirit. Too many coffee tables have been broken and too many wagers have been lost to stop now. My sports-related resolutions:

1. Send thank you note to the Florida Marlins (note: for beating the Yankees, not the Cubs)
2. Figure out why Chicago loathes Steve Bartman more than the guys who attacked a White Sox coach. It’s like hating Mrs. O’Leary’s horse.
3. Take up the sport of extreme napping.
4. Visit more ballparks, except the ones that have yet to upgrade from troughs to individual urinals. Hey, Fenway…maybe it’s that jinx that’s holding you back.
5. Double-down on whether or not I’ll stop gambling.
6. Lobby the Baseball Hall of Fame to take down their sign on the front door that says “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Entry”. Then lobby for White Sox great Joe Jackson to be enshrined. (If you don’t get that, you should read a book sometime.)
7. Stop corking the microphone.
8. In order to lose the edge but maintain the great taste, switch to decaf THG.
9. After my closing joke in each show, do the Icky Shuffle.
10. Tell younger audience members who Icky Woods was.
11. Muster up the energy and try…at least try… to give a crap about the NBA. Man, that’s gonna be tough.
12. Muster up the energy and try…at least try…to give a crap about the W-NBA. After thinking about that one, ascending Mt. Doom doesn’t seem so difficult.
13. Be the ball.
14. For some quick cash, go to Little League baseball games, film all the immature parents exchanging punches, then sell the footage to CNN.
15. Sponsor a bowl game. It will be called the keithcomedy.com Bowl, pitting my beloved Vanderbilt Commodores against another program that puts academics ahead of athletic success. Vanderbilt will win by forfeit while watching every other school in the country rake in national notoriety, trophies and alumni donations.

Other resolutions fall under the heading “miscellaneous”. Or “potpourri”, for all you Jeopardy fans. They are as follows:

1. Although she sounds cute, stop asking out Claire the automated Sprint PCS chick.
2. Try (yet again) to beat my 8-year-old nephew at Playstation football. When I lose (yet again), inadvertently increase his vocabulary with the addition of what I like to call “special magic” words.
3. In an effort to get today’s youth more interested in politics, lobby to change the name of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave to “The White Hizzle”.
4. Trim shower fungus.
5. In order to answer a question that’s been plaguing first-year Spanish students for decades, I will go to Mexico and find out just donde the hell la biblioteca esta.

That’s about it, folks. As you can see, I have a lot to do and better get started. If I’m going to make napping an extreme sport, I better get in some practice.

Go Mets in ’04! I believe!