The War on Flu

November 12th, 2015

Flu season is fast approaching. You can tell because every 4-6 seconds we are told to get a flu shot. Flu shot ads are everywhere, and they’re more stealth than the actual flu. You can avoid the flu with hand washing and vigilance. But to avoid flu shot ads, you have to live outside society like J.D. Salinger or video gamers.

I don’t remember a time when society revered flu shots so much. People are more concerned with their flu shot than they are with the Presidential election. That’s ironic, since more and more people are getting sick of politics.

What I don’t quite understand is that experts tell you the flu shot is your best chance at staying healthy but then add that you still might get sick. What?! It sounds like a menu at a vegan restaurant — “This is the best we can do to keep you from not starving…but you still might starve.”

I don’t get a flu shot. Rather, I wash my hands a lot, avoid touching my face, and when I see someone about to sneeze, I use an innocent bystander as a human shield.

I also use Purell hand sanitizer, which some people have an issue with. They get worked up about it — “You’re killing good germs too. Not just bad germs.” I don’t know what that means, really, but let the record show that we’re in a war on flu, and I’m perfectly okay with the collateral damage. But to make everyone happy, to replenish the good germs, I’ll go touch a few doorknobs at church. Get back some nice, good germs.

Besides, Purell is a badass. It does not kill all germs. It only kills 99.9% of germs. It leaves one survivor to go tell the village, “Hey! Purell’s in town, and it’s pissed.” If germs don’t get the message after that, then they’ll never get it. Well, not unless someone tells them every 4-6 seconds.

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