(The following jokes were submitted to and posted on the Crooked Scoreboard, a great website featuring all sorts of funny and insightful sports content.)
Major League Baseball hit the midseason break, just when the Rays were about to tap out. Plenty happened in the past week alone, as well as in the first half, so let’s get a recap…
The Homerun Derby
Giancarlo Stanton had 24 in the first round, impressing everyone not named Joey Chestnut.
The kids shagging fly balls in the outfield missed more than they caught, causing Major League Baseball to admit they were actually the Braves.
Adam Duvall of the Reds hit 11 homeruns in 3 minutes, automatically making him to be called a Cincinnati Red.
Giancarlo Stanton’s homeruns totaled over 27,000 feet. To put that in perspective, Miami fans, that’s only 1,000 feet short of the Dolphins’ rap sheet.
All Star Game
It was a clear and sunny day in San Diego. Judging by Pete Rose’s demeanor, however, he had money on cloudy and rainy.
Canadian quartet The Tenors caused a stir when they changed the lyrics of the Canadian national anthem to include the words “all lives matter”. Said Americans later, “Wait, there are lyrics to the Canadian national anthem?!”
After the incident, fans in Canada were irate. So Canadians can get angry. Myth…busted.
The band later said that the one member who acted alone was suspended. All Tenors don’t matter.
The Cubs have their best record at the midseason break since 1977. And I’m sure Joe Buck mentioning that a dozen times won’t make Cubs fans feel jinxed at all.
David Ortiz is the oldest player in history to bat clean up in the All Star Game, proving once and for all that the Elias Sports Bureau has way too much time on its hands.
Ortiz left the game with an ovation that lasted longer than most of the National League’s at bats.
Chris Sale started the game but only pitched one inning, or as it’s known around the league, the “Matt Harvey special”.
Eric Hosmer and Salvador Perez went deep in same inning. If a couple of Royals received any more applause, they’d be having a baby in 9 months.
Many American viewers said they lost interest halfway through. But to be fair, they may have been talking about the Presidential election.
Regular Season
At the end of the season, Vin Scully will retire. Which is a nice way of saying he got traded to Miami.
Vin Scully is retiring, but the Dodgers say his voice will most certainly live on, causing some to believe they hired Frank Caliendo.
Before the break, David Ortiz said that he is in constant pain and that it even “hurts to think”, a statement that immediately made him an honorary Kardashian.
In the last game before the break, the Diamondbacks only got one hit. They called it “being on the wrong end of a pitching masterpiece.” The Twins call it “Any Given Sunday”.