In their loss, US soccer goalie Tim Howard notched a record 16 saves. President Obama called Howard and said if he continues to successfully get in the way like that, he could be named an honorary Congressman.

Motley Crue says this year’s tour is their absolute last one, at which point they got a standing ovation from their livers.

There’s a new company in New York City that specializes in sending a nurse to a hungover person’s home. They call themselves “I.V. Doc”. Users call it “Role Play Tinder”.

The Supreme Court ruled that the government must first get a warrant before searching someone’s cell phone. It was either that or advise people to destroy their personal info by emailing all of it to Lois Lerner at the IRS.

Obama said he will bypass Congress to enact immigration reform, officially making the Constitution as porous as the border.

Uruguayan player Luis Suarez was caught on video biting an opposing player. And just like that, HBO snuck in a live ad for True Blood.

In a speech in Italy, Pope Francis excommunicated the Mafia. Then he gave last rites to the horse whose head will be in his bed tomorrow.

Demi Moore is engaged to marry her 27 year old boyfriend. Good timing — honeymoon packages are on sale in Cougartown.

An earthquake hit off the coast of Mexico. Experts say it was caused by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forcefully putting her foot down.

An American exchange student in Germany got stuck after climbing inside a giant sculpture of a vagina. After being rescued, he became the first American student to be awarded the Sigmund Freud Scholarship for Excellence.