China’s moon rover, the Jade Rabbit, which suffered a potentially crippling breakdown this week, issued a message reading “Goodnight, Earth, Goodnight, humanity,” which China later admitted is a bootleg cut from Justin Bieber’s new album.

Florida Representative Trey Radel, who was convicted of cocaine possession, announced this week that he will resign from Congress. In fact he announced it at a house party, over and over and over again.

A New York City apartment that was once owned by Billy Joel is being sold for 1.5 million dollars, because the buyer is new to Manhattan and couldn’t afford a six-month lease.

A new poll shows that 55 percent of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana with laws similar to those in Washington and Colorado. The poll has a margin of error of +/- “Dude…what was the question?”

A 16 year-old Texas girl survived after her birthday gift of a sky-diving trip went wrong and she fell 3500 feet to the ground. Because it’s no longer enough to just ask for a car.

A New Zealand man, who was attacked by a shark, stitched up his own wounds on shore then went to a pub for a beer before heading to the hospital, where he filmed yet another Dos Equis commercial.

Government scientists are offering people 3000 dollars in exchange for exposing them to a live flu virus. Weird, since it only costs $2.75 to ride the New York subway.

An 11 year-old Pennsylvania boy was arrested after he brought beer to school in a water bottle. No word on how he accessed the cooler in the teacher’s lounge.

The crafts store Michaels is investigating a possible data breach involving customers’ credit and debit card information, information that Michaels of course keeps in a giant scrapbook.