President Obama this week declared he will fight to make sure the Affordable Care Act works and will spend the rest of his presidency doing it. Which could be the most official complaint ever for long tech-support hold times.

Vice President Joe Biden this week visited China and urged young students there to challenge their government, teachers and religious leaders like they do in America. Officials say it’s the first time Joe Biden has ever endorsed the Cheney family.

A man in Kenya who was convicted of having sex with a goat was forced to face the animal in court and explain why he hasn’t called.

Researchers have developed a male version of the birth control pill that would keep sperm “in storage” during sex. “Thank you,” said girlfriends’ comforters.

Jay-Z announced this week that he and his wife Beyonce are launching a 22-day challenge to eat only vegan food, finally giving him an even one-hundred problems.

Officials at a US Air Force Base in Guam have parachuted 2000 mice onto the island in hopes of eradicating the brown tree snake, which has overrun the area. Waiting on deck–2000 cats.

Some children’s advocates are upset by NORAD’s annual website tracking Santa’s flight path that now features warplanes guarding his sled. Even more disturbing, his reindeer are now Rudolph and Seal Team Six.

Police in Florida are searching for two men who stole more than 450 dollars worth of condoms from a drug store. Authorities have not ok’d the use of force, because after all, these guys won’t feel a thing.

Guinness World Records this week named a gingerbread house in Texas, which is nearly 40,000 square feet, as the world’s largest. Then an old gingerbread man yelled for them to get off his lawn.

Britain’s Literary Review has given author Manil Suri the annual Bad Sex in Fiction award for a scene in his novel “The City of Devi,” which describes sex as a series of exploding supernovas, streaking superheroes and the rarely seen space walk of shame.