In response to outrageous emails and scandalous threats in the David Petraeus scandal with Paula Broadwell, the CIA said in a statement, “This is why we normally stick with Colombian prostitutes.”

President Obama on Wednesday said that there is no evidence that the scandal surrounding David Petraeus harmed national security. But just in case, the Navy Seals are making a movie about it.

King County, Texas is being called the most anti-Obama county in the country after he won only five votes last week. In fact,

instead of Democrats, residents just call them “The Floyds”.

The DVR maker TiVo has signed New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow as their new spokesperson, because recording shows and watching them later is never Plan A.

Workers at Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, walked off the job this week to protest pay cuts…and severely panic pot smokers.

The Oxford American Dictionary has selected “GIF” as its Word of the Year, further confusing the only generation who still uses dictionaries.

A new theme park has opened in South Korea that is dedicated to toilets. They tried opening the park in Australia but the roller coasters kept spinning in the wrong direction.

Researchers have recently discovered that the need to itch oneself is contagious in the same way that yawning is. Giving you two things to watch out for when watching the Mets.

A new electric generator has been created that is powered by urine. It provides all the sounds and smells of a YMCA shelter without having to move there.

Delaware police are searching for a 32 year-old man who was allegedly running a meth lab in his mother’s house. In other words, they’re looking for a man wearing a Darth Vader gas mask.

A Buffalo Bills fan has filed a lawsuit against the team claiming that it sends too many texts messages to people who sign up for their information service. Said the Bills, “If this is what disappoints you, thanks for not watching Super Bowls XXV through XXVIII.”

An Ohio woman, who knocked over a police officer directing traffic when she ignored his signal to stop, has been ordered to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for the officer and two colleagues. Because when someone exhibits the desire to seriously harm you, you should let them prepare your food.

A professor at Stanford University has published a new study that says advances in human society that have made our lives less stressful have also made mankind less intelligent. His students said they plan to read it right after they DVR the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo.

The movie theater chain Cinemark has launched a new app which will give users a coupon if they sit through a movie without texting. It’s the perfect app for people old enough to not use apps.

Most of the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.