Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s foreign policy saying “Hope is not a strategy.” “So much for Plan B,” said the New York Jets.

Mitt Romney accused President Obama of pulling troops out of Iraq too quickly. The White House replied that if it ever takes advice on when to pull out, it won’t be from a father of five.

In a radio interview, President Obama said that in the first debate he was “too polite”. Which explains his new debate coach: everyone on New York’s 5 PM 7-train.

In a contest held by Family Circle magazine, readers chose First Lady Michelle Obama’s recipe for cookies over Ann Romney’s recipe by a margin of 51 percent to 48 percent. To be fair, the poll has a margin of error of +/- who gives a crap?

This weekend was the seventh annual New York Comic Con. Coincidentally, it was also “Fix Your Computer Yourself Week”.

While appearing on Meet the Press Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized Congress for not having any “balls”. Which is his way of saying that after years of steroid use, he’s a perfect fit for Congress.

Richard Stratton, the former publisher of High Times magazine, announced this week that he plans to run for governor of New York in 2014. Unless of course he totally forgets to write that down.

Mexican authorities this week arrested an alleged drug cartel leader known as Commander Squirrel. They then thanked the help they received from international forces–Boris and Natasha.

A cheerleader in Texas set a world record by doing 35 consecutive back hand springs. Even more unbelievable, the teenage girl managed to do all of it while not texting.

Sesame Workshop on Tuesday asked the Obama Campaign to stop running an ad featuring Big Bird saying that Sesame Street and its characters are nonpartisan. Although they did admit that Oscar the Grouch shares an attitude with Clint Eastwood.

Scientists at MIT have created a new vest that inflates and “hugs” the users anytime someone “likes” their pictures or messages on Facebook. Other colleges have similar confidence boosters, only they call theirs “Jose Cuervo”.

Participants at the State Fair of Texas this week set a new Guinness record by building the world’s biggest Frito pie, weighing over 1300 pounds. The real winner, however…the guy selling the world’s biggest Pepto Milkshakes.

*The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.