A secretly recorded video was released Monday in which Mitt Romney said 47 percent of Americans believe they are victims entitled to health care, food and housing, and it’s not his job to worry about them. Critics say he came across as heartless, which is a nice way of saying that he went from T2 cyborg to sounding like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz.

During a news conference Monday held by Mitt Romney in the wake of a new damaging video of him, he did not apologize for his comments, but just said they were “not elegantly stated.” At which point Joe Biden said, “Hey, that’s my line!”

Mitt Romney this week is refocusing his campaign on the economy by launching a series of TV ads detailing how he would create 12 million new jobs. Basically, that’s how many positions there will be on his personal PR/damage-control team.

This past weekend a couple was caught on video having sex in the men’s bathroom of Yankee Stadium during the second through fourth innings of a game. It was the first time in baseball history that anyone saw just three innings of action, yet still managed to go the distance. The woman later said it all started when she heard the voice from Field of Dreams say, “If you build it…”

A new study has been launched to train and breed dogs that would be able to smell if a patient has cancer. Especially crotch cancer.

A group of rabbis in Brooklyn, New York have developed an email alert system to remind people about their Jewish New Years resolutions. It will replace the old system known as “a voicemail from your mom”.

This week has been named Unmarried and Single Americans Week. It’s an entire week because otherwise we would have a second Independence Day.

Kellogg has signed a new deal with several large state universities to sell a new line of Pop Tarts in the colors of the schools. Which means that for the first time ever, students can finally show some pride during the morning walk of shame.

A new study finds that 85 percent of men dream about sex at night. The other 15 percent sleep during the day.

A new report projects that by the year 2030, 44 percent of Americans will be obese. In other words, by the year 2030, America will be 40 percent less obese.

A 480-pound man on death row in Ohio says that he is too obese to be executed. Of course this could just be his way of requesting that his executioner dress like Princess Leia. #JabbaTheHut

New research suggests that lack of proper sleep is contributing to the obesity epidemic. In a related study, people who watch soccer are not obese. Just sayin.

Lindsay Lohan on Wednesday was arrested in New York City for allegedly hitting a pedestrian with her car and not stopping. Cops knew it had to be her because they were told to look for a train wreck, and all the subways were fine.

A new poll in Travel + Leisure magazine has rated New York City as the dirtiest city in the country. They gave New York an F, which is fitting, since that’s how the city began its response.

*Most of the above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update