American officials are waiting for Pakistan to give them access to the three wives of Osama Bin Laden who were captured after the US raid. Their main interest is to find the only three wives on Earth who claim to have nothing to say.

A man in South Carolina, who was arrested on charges of assault, had a tattoo on his forehead reading “Please forgive me if I say or do anything stupid. Thank you.” If acquitted, he is believed to be the new 2012 front runner for the Republican party.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Donald Trump reveals that his hair is not a comb-over and that he doesn’t have a “bad hairline.” Leading many to ask, “Why would he want to be President when he’s already the King of Bizarro World?” 

The final message from Osama Bin Laden was released this weekend, and was only a minute long with the familiar threats against America and Israel. Ironically, his shorter features and lack of new ideas are only fueling the conspiracy theory that he was indeed created by Hollywood.

A new alarm clock called the Sonic Boom Skull is being sold and wakes people up with a 113-decibel alarm, orange and red strobe lights, and a bed-shaking attachment. It’s the perfect gift for anyone who enjoys starting the day washing their sheets.

At a shareholders meeting this week, Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri defended cigarettes, telling a cancer nurse in the crowd that it is not hard to quit smoking. Then everyone laughed so hard, black tar came out their nose.

The city of Garden Grove, California has voted to ban nudity in local coffeehouses. From now on, the terms grande and extra-whip will refer only to drinks.

At the end of May, Abbottabad, the city in Pakistan where Osama Bin Laden was found, will host a one day cricket match between Afghanistan and Pakistan. Fans expect it to take longer than one day, however, since it took the city over 9 years to finish a single game of hide and seek.

Caretakers for Lonesome George, a nearly 100-year-old giant tortoise, are searching for a female he can mate with, since he may be one of the last of his species. That species: Giganticus Sugar Daddycus.

Nabisco announced Tuesday that it is launching a new Triple Decker Oreo that consists of three cookies with a layer of white and a layer of chocolate cream. In a related story, Michelle Obama just gave Nabisco’s address to Seal Team 6.

The above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.