Oprah Winfrey on Monday revealed on her show that she has a long-lost half-sister. Ironically, she found this out while visiting family over the holidays and someone said, “Okay, everyone look under your seats!”

Apple CEO Steve Jobs remains on medical leave, but the reason is still unclear. Apple said they would gladly tell us the reason, but all their spokespeople have AT & T and keep dropping the signal.

Singer Jimmy Buffett suffered a head injury after falling off the stage at a concert in Australia, shocking onlookers. Shocked? I hate to state the obvious here, but he’s not exactly “wasted away again” in Shirley-Temple-ville.

MTV announced that the fourth season of Jersey Shore will take place in Italy. The real story here: Pope Benedict will be forced to put that “love thy neighbor” rule to the ultimate test.

A Manhattan artist has created a new exhibit that features pictures she took of herself crying everyday for a year. The exhibit is called “365 Days: A Catalogue of Tears”, but those outside the art community call it, “The 365 Least Successful Match.com Profile Pics”.

New Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus says he is usually in the office about 18 hours a day. The other 6 hours are spent having nightmares about a 2012 Sarah Palin nomination.

The largest mob sweep in U.S. history nabbed 127 gangsters last week. In a totally unrelated story, Julian Assange woke up next to a horse’s head.

Four in ten Protestant churches in America are encouraging people to post prayers on their online message boards. If prayers are answered, it will prove that God is listening, but even He prefers to hide His online status to avoid instant chatting.

Marriott International announced it is removing access to adult movies from its new hotel rooms. It’s the clearest sign yet that they really don’t want you taking their towels out of the bathrooms.

Ohio state representative Jay Hottinger had his house toilet papered this week by his fellow Republicans. Apparently their original plan of calling Hottinger and hanging up when he answered was hampered by caller ID.

Wal-Mart has agreed to help Michelle Obama in her crusade against childhood obesity. They will either sell healthier foods, or force kids to exercise by putting all junk food at the end of a basic-training obstacle course.

Hollywood announced it is beginning to make more movies based on fairy tales. Great. First came the books. Then the “stress test” people on the street. Now there’s going to be a movie about scientology. There really is no escape.

Seventy-six people have filled out paperwork with the Federal Election Commission and have thrown their hats into the 2012 presidential race. To get America really excited about it, the Commission is listing their names in the form of a March Madness bracket.

Second straight year the Jets came within a game of the Super Bowl. I’m starting to think Mark Sanchez is Spanish for “horseshoes and hand grenades”. 

Jay Cutler is under fire for quitting early. In fact, the only people not criticizing him live in France.

In their game against Pittsburgh, the Jets didn’t talk trash for once. Fans watching at home said it was like someone muted Fox News.

Jets fans are disappointed.  Well there’s always the Mets…oh wait, nevermind. 

Rex Ryan said this one is tough to swallow. And judging by his physique, he’s not used to having swallowing problems. 

The Jets went down 24-0 in the first half against Pittsburgh. They dug such a big hole, they got halftime advice from Chilean miners.
Most of the above were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopolous’s Bleacher Report.