Mark Zuckerberg, the co-founder of Facebook, was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Said his biggest fans, “What’s a magazine?”

A new batch of taped White House conversations with Richard Nixon reveal him making disparaging comments about African Americans, Jews, and the Irish. In other words, WikiLeaks made a prequel.

US Postal Service workers say that more and more letters addressed to Santa Claus this year are asking for basic items, such as coats and shoes, than they are for toys and games. Coming in a close third on the wish list: for government employees to stop reading our mail.

A postal carrier in Wisconsin was arrested after he tried to cheer up a woman he thought seemed “stressed out” by delivering the mail to her in the nude. Since it is December in Wisconsin, it’s probably safe to say that she wasn’t expecting such a small package.

Archaeologists in China have discovered a 2400 year-old pot of soup. Along with a 2415 year-old very lost delivery boy.

More than 3 million copies of the latest “World of Warcraft” video game were sold in its first day of release, making it the fastest selling game of all time. The slowest selling game of all time: “Crosswalk Frogger”.

Despite the growing childhood obesity problem in the country, more than half of the states in the US now allow students to opt out of gym class. Experts think it’s a bad precedent, especially since Asian kids aren’t allowed to skip Driver’s Ed.

According to an annual Yale University list, Christine O’Donnell’s “I’m not a witch,” was the most notable quote of the year. The least notable quote of the year: “I voted for Christine O’Donnell.”

New findings reveal that prehistoric humans, including Neanderthals, ate each other. Unfortunately for 6th Grade teachers, this will only make students laugh even harder when they hear the term “homo erectus”.

The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.