President Obama on Monday announced that he had reached a compromise with Republicans that will extend Bush-era tax cuts across the board for both the middle-class and the starting lineup for the New York Yankees.

President Obama on Monday defended his compromise deal with Republicans that would extend Bush-era tax cuts for the rich saying, “the American people didn’t send us here to wage symbolic battles or win symbolic victories.” The clearest sign yet the President doesn’t play Dungeons & Dragons or Fantasy Football.

According to reports, the online coupon site Groupon has rejected Google’s 6-billion-dollar offer to buy the site. Appropriately, when Google made the offer at 6 billion dollars, Groupon replied, “Did you mean…10 billion dollars?”

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who is in a British jail, has threatened to release many more confidential cables if legal action is taken against him or his company. That’s a good way to make friends in jail…promise more snitching!

Sylvester Stallone was inducted this week into the International Boxing Hall of Fame for his role as movie icon Rocky Balboa. He plans to give a really good acceptance speech, then follow it with five mediocre ones before he’s finally finished.

According to a recent survey, American Sign Language will soon be the third most studied foreign language at America’s colleges. Of course, that’s expected to change once those college students learn that American Sign Language has nothing to do with text messaging.

A couple in Minnesota has decided to not have an abortion after they held an online poll and 74 percent of the people voted that they should have the baby. Furthermore, 26 percent of the people have been automatically removed from the list of potential babysitters.

A man in Oregon, in honor of a character on the NBC show Chuck, has changed his name to Captain Awesome. Going AWOL…all future dates.

A new report suggests that men who grow up in the country have larger penises than men who grow up in the city. And just like that, millions of men are changing their hometown info on facebook to say “Oklahoma”.

The Panthers lost another one. In other words…Welcome to Charlotte, Cam Newton!

Snowy weather in Chicago. Now fans know what hell will look like when the Cubs win a World Series.

Weather was so bad in Chicago, many people didn’t make it to work. Too bad that didn’t include the Bears.

The Patriots scored twice in 20 seconds. Twenty seconds! That’s almost as fast as Bears fans made it to the exits.

Ben Roethlisberger’s nose was broken so bad, the team doctor said the X-ray looked like a bowl of Corn Flakes. So if he laughs real hard and milk comes out his nose, he can make breakfast.

The above were submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and Costaki Economopoulus’ Bleacher Report.