Joe Biden reportedly told an ice cream vendor to “quit being a smart ass”. It happened when the Vice President ordered a Rocky Road and the vendor said, “One scoop of re-election, coming up.”

A masseuse in Oregon claims that Al Gore sexually harassed her. In his defense, when Al Gore talks about “happy endings”, he’s usually referring to vote-counting in Florida.

Officials are set to upgrade Tropical Storm Alex to a hurricane. But he’ll soon be replaced if he starts talking to Rolling Stone Magazine.

The 14th Annual American Black Film Festival wrapped up on Sunday. It would have wrapped up earlier, but there were a ton of people talking while the movies were playing.

Senate confirmation hearings begin this week for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Contrary to what some say, all questions about legislating from the bench have nothing to do with coaching softball.

FIFA has apologized to England and Mexico for missing calls. Not only did they miss calls, but they just kept ringing and never went to voicemail. Very unprofessional.

Ms. Magazine says the hit movie “Toy Story 3” is sexist. In their defense, Pixar wanted to end the series with “Toy Story 2”, but Barbie took forever to get ready.

The Army has announced that General Stanley McCrystal will retire. But his top advisor is Brett Favre, so who knows.

Vice President Joe Biden visited the Gulf Coast this week. He plans to help the situation by imagining the pipe is his mouth and then sticking his foot in it.

Larry King is finally retiring. He says it’s been a remarkable run and even remembers his first caller when he said, “Constantinople, you’re on the air.”

The U.S. soccer team’s Cinderella run in the World Cup finally came to an end. The clock actually struck midnight last week, but they couldn’t hear it over those African horns.

“Eclipse”, the latest installment in the “Twilight” movie series has finally hit theatres. It’s incredibly popular, because it revolves around a team of werewolves and a team of vampires fighting over the chance to sign free agent LeBron James.

Eleven people were arrested in the New York area and charged with spying for Russia. No word on how close they were to Russia, but Sarah Palin can see their lawyer from her house.