A bus carrying the US soccer team was delayed in South Africa when a roaming elephant blocked the road. The pachyderm quickly moved along, however, when Britain’s goalie showed up and tried to stop it.

Ratings for CNN continue to sag. When he heard the news, Larry King said, “I got some pills that can help with that.”

A teenager attempting to sail around the world sent out distress signals when her mast broke. Authorities knew it was a teenager in trouble because instead of the normal “SOS”, they just got the symbol 🙁

California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina was caught on an open mic saying that Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer’s hair is “so yesterday”. She explained that what she meant by that was “so back in the day when the state wasn’t bankrupt.”

According to the latest census numbers, minorities are outpacing whites in the U.S. So much so, legislation is already in place to rename the country “the NBA”.

Metropolis, IL, which already has a statue of Superman, will erect one of Lois Lane. But only to confuse Lex Luthor’s pigeons.

Pitching sensation Stephen Strasburg is causing quite a stir in his new hometown of Washington DC. In fact, his screwball is so natural, locals call it a Pelosi.

President Obama this week compared the oil spill to the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Apparently when it comes to comparing his administration to George Bush’s, it’s not enough just to talk approval ratings.

Thousands of World Cup fans in South Africa are showing their excitement by blowing vuvuzela. Disappointed sports fans later learned that vuvuzela is a plastic horn, not “the luckiest guy ever”.

President Obama forced BP to set up an escrow account to pay for damages in the Gulf. Said one late-night BP clerk, “Pay AFTER pumping??? Good luck with that.”

The South Carolina democratic candidate for Senate is political unknown Alvin Greene. Locals said that when they cast their ballots, they thought he was a chipmunk.

The NFL is considering extending its regular season to 18 games. Ben Roethlisberger is excited that the league will soon be of legal age.

Fifteen million pounds of Spaghetti-Os are being recalled. Watch it all unfold on the next episode of “Hoarders” at Kirstie Alley’s house.

The recent discovery of a giant impression in the woods of North Carolina has sparked a new Bigfoot mystery. Experts say, however, that given the amount of hairspray he uses, it’s probably just John Edwards’ massive carbon footprint.

Thousands of nurses in Minnesota went on strike this week. Now when someone makes a movie about them being “naughty”, it will be about the ones crossing the picket line. Booooooring!

President Obama’s televised address from the Oval Office is getting bad reviews. Because his speechwriter also wrote the A-Team.