Federal officials consulted with “Titanic” director James Cameron about capping the underwater oil leak. Furthermore, if we ever get attacked by aliens, Obama has Sigourney Weaver on speed dial.

A pigeon has been detained in India under suspicion that it’s spying for Pakistan. Or maybe he’s planning a “coo”.

A math teacher at a Catholic school in Iowa was fired after joining an atheist website. The school said he’s got a right to his beliefs, but he failed to use the available space to show his work.

After asking residents for suggestions on how to improve the city, Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn received such responses as “legalize marijuana” and “create nude beaches”. Just in case people want to get and lose the munchies at the same time.

The U.S. military is moving closer to repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. But only because the Pentagon needs an extreme makeover.

International inspectors say that Iran now has enough nuclear fuel to make two nuclear weapons. Good thing the U.N. has three weapons to deal with it…paper, rock, AND scissors.

Jim Joyce, the umpire who blew a perfect game last week in Detroit, was seen crying the next day on the field. So much so, Detroit made him an honorary Lions fan.

City officials in the Gulf region are having difficulty talking with BP executives. I bet it’s because they forgot what pump they parked at and BP can only talk through a crappy microphone by a drawer attached to a wall of plexiglass.

Seven Green Bay Packers have been accused of sexual assault. Thus completing Ben Roethlisberger’s fantasy team.

Khloe Kardashian said she’s not pregnant, just fat. So they’re giving her a show on BET.

White House correspondent Helen Thomas is calling it quits. In a special ceremony next week, Hamas is expected to retire her jersey.

Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding ceremony. The vows were delivered in seven seals and the groomsmen were four horsemen.

A lost World War II battlefield has been discovered in New Guinea. Just when you thought Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg had run out of ideas.

President Obama delivered the commencement address at Kalamazoo Central High School in Michigan this week. Meanwhile, at the high school across town, the commencement speaker was offered a government job to drop out of the ceremony.

President Obama nominated James Clapper to be the next national intelligence director. He expects the Senate to confirm him with a resounding rendition of “Clap on!! … Clap off! Clap on, clap off! The Clapper!”

The new movie “The A-Team” opens this week. The team survives as mercenaries who fix problems when no one else can help. In other words, BP should hire them.