Environmental experts in Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana insist that the oil spill is the responsibility of BP and not the local population. Which is precisely why nobody has plugged it up with duct tape and a rag.

President Obama said his administration is doing all it can to stop the oil spill from progressing. Which means he’s campaigning for it.

The NFL awarded the 2014 Super Bowl to New York. It’s the best news to hit the city that didn’t include the words “Knicks” and “leaving”.

Critics of the New York Super Bowl say that temperatures will be way below freezing that time of year. The league said they made the decision because if the Detroit Lions make it in, they want to feel how cold it is in hell.

Many tourists are boycotting Arizona as a result of its strict immigration law. In fact, the Grand Canyon is so empty, park rangers no longer compare it to Kirstie Alley’s mouth.

The hit show “V” ended its season with a finale about a mean-spirited alien lizard struggling with control of the world. Or as TV Guide described it… “Simon Cowell leaves American Idol”.

Many Major League Baseball teams are prohibiting fans from bringing iPads into the stadium. Progress hasn’t been this impeded since the league formed the Mets.

South Korea claims that North Korea intentionally sank one of their ships. Kim Jong Il responded by saying he did nothing intentionally, then he said “See Exhibit A” and pointed to his haircut.

Floyd Landis accused Lance Armstrong of being on designer steroids. It’s the biggest accusation to hit the sporting world recently, only with the name “Floyd Landis” instead of “State of Georgia”. And the name “Lance Armstrong” instead of “Ben Roethlisberger”. And the word “steroids” instead of “college girl”. And the word “designer” instead of “drunk”. And the word “on” instead of “in”. You get the picture.