President Obama made a surprise announcement on Tuesday that he would be coming to New York City this week to make his case for reforming Wall Street. Furthermore, when city officials watched video of his first pitch, they asked him to start for the Mets.

A senior Iranian cleric says that women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes. Just when you thought strip clubs could only shake up the Republican Party.

A lawyer for Larry King said that there is a 50/50 chance that King’s divorce from Shawn Southwick will not happen and that they have called a two-week truce in the proceedings. It should be noted, however, that two weeks in Larry King years is 30 minutes to normal humans.

Actor Leonard Nimoy went to Vulcan, Alberta to officially declare it the Star Trek capital of Canada. The mayor celebrated by giving Nimoy the key to his Mom’s basement.

On Wednesday the Treasury Department unveiled a newly redesigned 100 dollar bill that will have new security features to prevent counterfeiting. The feature that’s most effective in preventing counterfeit activity: it’s still in U.S. Dollars.

A group of retired military officers is concerned that many children are growing up too fat for military service. Even more disconcerting, the U.S. Army’s new camouflage moo-moo.

A group of retired military officers, concerned that children are growing up too fat for military service, are calling school lunches in the country a “national security threat”. Students even admit that sloppy Joes alone are redefining the title “underwear bomber”.

According to a survey of soccer fans, 51 percent said that they would starve themselves for a week to see their country’s team win the World Cup. Fans not eating for a week: Just in case you needed more proof that soccer isn’t America’s favorite sport.

Industry experts say that because of the effects of the volcanic ash, airlines lost at least 1.7 billion dollars. But only because the ash didn’t check any luggage.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Octomom Nadya Suleman says that nickname makes her feel like a “carnival attraction.” She prefers the more subtle title, “Mom with a Clown Car Uterus”.

The above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.