Doctors say that Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack, but it was mild and he is recovering. The next day, noting too much obstruction in politics to meet goals, the Grim Reaper resigned.

The US Olympic team won the medal count at a Winter Games for the first time since 1932. A coincidence that makes experts believe the key to Americans winning gold is a crappy economy.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that the Navy intends to repeal the ban on women serving aboard submarines. At least until seaports require subs to parallel park.

Students at a high school in New Mexico were surprised while watching a taped History Channel special on the 1919 Treaty of Versailles when a few seconds of porn interrupted the video. What’s even worse…a group of high school students in New Mexico now believes victory in World War I was decided by a cabana boy.

Quarterback Tim Tebow is trying to improve his stock. Not because his playing style is different, but because he just signed an endorsement deal with Toyota.

David Brandon, the CEO of Domino’s Pizza, is stepping down after 11 years to become the athletic director for his alma mater, the University of Michigan. Good news, wives of Michigan fans…football games will now be over in 30 minutes or less.

A woman in Georgia was arrested on Valentine’s Day after she allegedly burst into a Waffle House and beat her ex-boyfriend with her high-heel shoe. Police called it “aggravated battery”.
Waffle House patrons called it “Sunday”.

A number of videos have begun appearing online showing dogs howling when they hear the Law and Order theme music. So basically, now we know how dogs say, “No way they find the guy and put him on trial in only 60 minutes.”

An online drive is underway to draft John Mellencamp to run for the US Senate seat begin vacated by Indiana Senator Evan Bayh. What better way to get the youth to vote than by getting a Cougar involved?

This year, for the first time, Tufts University is allowing students applying to the school to submit videos through YouTube along with their traditional applications. The downside…if a school declines a student, instead of sending a rejection letter, they will just post the comment “You SUCK!!!!!”

The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.