Tiger Woods is reportedly in rehab for sex addiction. Only he calls it, “a scouting trip”.
Ted Kennedy’s vacant Senate seat has been filled by Republican Scott Brown. With uber-liberal Massachusetts now leaning to the right, President Obama will do what he has to do…change the name of the country to “Bizarro World”.
Analysts are calling Scott Brown’s Massachusetts Senate victory a come-from-behind miracle. They said as much when they accidentally called Martha Coakley “Bill Buckner”.
At a post-election speech in Boston, Martha Coakley admitted that she didn’t run a smart campaign. Thinking it was a battle of understatements, Patriots coach Bill Belichick said, “I could dress nicer.”
Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” is up for a Grammy. She said she’s excited, but she could be bluffing.
Bill Gates is now on Twitter. What a coincidence…his checking account balance also has 140 characters.
Torrential storms are battering California. Pat Robertson believes it’s because Hollywood made a deal with the devil, or as he’s known there…TMZ.
Friends of actress Minka Kelly are saying that rumors of her engagement to boyfriend Derek Jeter are not true. She did say, however, that if she were chasing a ring with no real chance of getting one, she’d be involved with the Mets.
President Obama announced that he plans to recover as much as 120 billion dollars of the Wall Street bailout money with a bank fee on the country’s biggest financial firms. To get away with the unexpected fee, he will remodel Congress to look like a giant ATM.
The top selling comic book of 2009 was Amazing Spider-Man #583, which featured President Obama on the cover. Many believe it was such a hit because in it, neither the super-hero nor the President speak in a spider dialect.
Pat Robertson said that Haitians suffered a devastating earthquake because they were “cursed” ever since they “swore a pact to the devil”. To prove his point, he noted how vibrant Georgia has been ever since Charlie Daniels beat Satan in a fiddle contest.
The skinniest house in New York City, which is a 9 and a half foot wide townhouse in the West Village, was sold for 2.175 million dollars. No word on who bought it, but whoever you are, Kate Moss thinks you’re fat.
Air France announced that it will refund the cost of a second ticket if an overweight passenger has to purchase two seats in order to fit comfortably. In other words, “We want your business, America!”
Most of the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and “This Just In” (iPhone app).