In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama stressed that no matter how many times you fail, you can still succeed as long as you keep trying.  Then for a rebuttal, he introduced the kids to Ralph Nader.

In his speech to the nation’s schoolchildren today, President Obama asked kids to wash their hands a lot.  Well, he said to wash their hands before they eat, but judging by the size kids are these days, he most definitely meant “a lot”.

Representative Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for interrupting his speech the other night.  Obama accepted the apology, saying “we all make mistakes.”  Then he referred to “Exhibit A” and held up a photo of Joe Biden.

2,000 students at Washington State University have reported swine flu symptoms – the largest outbreak on a US college campus.  You can see raw footage in the new but slightly less popular video, “Girls Gone Feverish”.

At least 6 inspectors in the New York City Department of Buildings have been videotaped dealing cocaine at construction sites.  In their defense, things are being built a whole lot faster now.

The Arizona Supreme Court rejected a man’s defense that he could smoke marijuana while driving as part of his religious freedom.  He calls it the “Church of ….wait, what?”

Hugh Hefner reportedly offered Kate Gosselin $400,000 to pose nude in Playboy magazine.  Or as some people describe it, $400,000 to mentally scar eight kids for life.

The Department of Homeland Security launched a campaign this week to train 3.4 million Girl Scouts in the U.S. to be prepared for hurricanes, pandemics, and terror attacks.  After all, when disaster strikes, victims need cookies.

College football analysts agree that the Miami / Florida State rivalry of old is back.  Not only are they competitive again, but ten players are expected to get arrested by Monday.

Paula Abdul posted on Twitter that Ellen DeGeneres “will be a great judge” on “American Idol” and wishes her the best of luck.  It was the first time in Twitter history that a tweet was actually slurred.

Police in Turkey freed nine women yesterday who were lured to a villa and held captive for 2 months, thinking they were auditioning for “Big Brother.”  In a related story, for months now the New York Mets could swear they’re auditioning for “The Biggest Loser”.

Vice President Joe Biden said that a health care bill will be done before Thanksgiving.  For added effect, he showed a pie graph in the shape of a hand turkey.

Jermaine Jackson is pushing to turn Neverland Ranch into an Amusement Park.  He’s expected to make it happen.  He even got an application to work the corn dog stand from Tito.

The above were submitted to the National Lampoon Sports Minute and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.