This Wednesday marked the 8th anniversary of the war in Afghanistan, which makes it the 3rd longest conflict in US history, following the Vietnam War and the debate on healthcare reform.

The Swiss Justice Ministry on Tuesday rejected Roman Polanski’s plea to be released from custody, expressing fear that he might flee the country. It marked at least the second time in Polanski’s life that he heard someone say, “No means no.”

Linda McMahon, the former chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, is now seeking the Republican nomination for one of Connecticut’s Senate seats. She hopes to win the seat by folding it up and hitting her opponent with it.

Students at an elementary school in Ireland are being asked to bring their own toilet paper to school to help save money. Which means one more school supply will share the same title as the “Number 2” pencil.

This week the Phone-A-Friend lifeline on the syndicated version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was discontinued. It was replaced by the more modern “Facebook IM a Former Classmate You Barely Know” lifeline.

Catholic priests in Brooklyn and Queens have been told to stop offering wine at Mass to prevent the spread of the flu and the swine flu. Furthermore, babies will be baptized with Holy Hand Sanitizer.

A teacher from Ohio won $2,500 after she grew a 1,725-pound pumpkin. She said that all she did was water it, and let it train with Barry Bonds.

An elementary school in Ireland is requiring its students to bring their own toilet paper as a way to help save money. They call it “No Child’s Behind Left Behind”.

A group of conservatives is editing the Bible because they believe it is too progressive and modern. The Gospels are now Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Rush.

President Obama met with doctors from across the nation at the White House today to talk about health care reform. It was poetic justice when he made them wait for three hours with nothing to read but a People Magazine from 2002.

NASA announced that it will crash a rocket into the moon this Friday morning – hoping to see of there’s any water. To make sure it crashes hard enough, it’s being piloted by the Detroit Tigers.

After leading the Central Division most of the season, the Tigers won’t be in the playoffs. When asked to comment, Lions fans replied, “What are the playoffs?”

Tiger Woods topped the one-billion-dollar mark in earnings. He admitted it’s impressive to hit that number…and tie John Daly’s clubhouse bar tab.

A new, 90-second-clip of Babe Ruth playing right field has just surfaced. It was overlooked for so long because it was murky and out of focus, so experts thought it was just a glimpse into the future of the Mets.

Hundreds of Yankees fans on Wednesday took a 1917-era subway car to the team’s first playoff game. In an effort to fully commit to the 1917 theme, Reggie Jackson was forced to sit in a separate car.

The above were submitted to either the National Lampoon Sports Minute, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, or Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.