First lady Michelle Obama will appear in November’s 40th season premiere episode of “Sesame Street”.  Where she will finally announce that she supports Bert and Ernie getting married.

New research found that penicillin is becoming obsolete – because bacteria is becoming increasingly resistant to it. In a related story, Courtney Love is about to die.

While at a pet store picking up some dog food this week, Britney Spears bought a yellow parakeet. Either her dog is on a strict diet, or Britney needs glasses.

“Toy Story” and “Toy Story 2” were released in 3-D today for a limited double-feature. The marketing slogan is a little weird…”See our Woody in 3-D!”

Today is the 50th anniversary of the first episode of the “Twilight Zone.” Or as Jon Gosselin calls it, “Life”.

Hugo Chavez and Moammar Qaddafi signed a document on Monday calling for a new global definition of terrorism. You could tell Qaddafi wrote it, because Chavez immediately asked to sign the Cliff Notes version.

Cleveland, Ohio will be the host city for the 2014 Gay Games. If you’re not familiar with the Gay Games, they’re just like the Olympic Games, except the torch isn’t the only thing that’s flaming.

Director Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland yesterday – on a 31-year-old warrant for having sex with a minor.  He was taken away in tiny Swiss Army handcuffs.

L.A. County records show that Pamela Anderson owes more than $1 million to construction companies and the IRS.  The construction companies said if she doesn’t pay up, they’ll repossess her boobs.

Taliban insurgents threatened to bomb Oktoberfest in Munich if Germany does not leave Afghanistan.  German officials are very concerned because normally when something gets bombed at Oktoberfest, it just involves David Hasselhoff.

The Lions ended their 19-game losing streak with a win over the Redskins.  When fans heard that a perennial loser beat Washington, they thought the country elected Ralph Nader.

The Yankees want to host a college bowl game in the stadium.  They admit, however, that college football would be more appropriate at Citi Field, because the Mets season also doesn’t include the playoffs.

Coca-Cola will change its packaging to make calorie information larger.  People will now know there are a lot of calories in a Coca-Cola when for whatever reason, they fail to notice that they’re drinking a Coca-Cola.

Two co-workers at a Walmart Supercenter in Nebraska got married last weekend at the store where they met. To make it official, their marriage license even says “Made in China”.

The newest addition to the American Girl doll line is Gwen, who is homeless. Otherwise, she’d just be called a Girl Doll.

The above were submitted to National Lampoon’s Sports Minute, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.