According to the commander of the peace-keeping force in Darfur, there is no more war in the region.  But let’s not fool ourselves.  This war is over when George Clooney says it’s over.

There is no frontrunner to replace Ted Kennedy’s vacant Senate seat.  But after bidding starts on his eBay account, Rod Blagojevich will get back to us.

Afghanistan is embroiled in long delays and heavy confusion amid its Presidential election.  Analysts expected this to make the Taliban happy, but in fact it’s pissing them off, because Afghanistan is now apparently a LOT like America.

A new report shows that 11.9% of Californians are now unemployed.  The bad news, however, is that none of them includes the cast from “The Hills”.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the economy is on the cusp of a full recovery.  It should be noted that he slurred the comment after spending over three hours at one of Obama’s beer summits.

A new study shows that men who drink on a regular basis face a greater risk of cancer.  Well, high cell phone usage can cause cancer, and high alcohol consumption causes long, late-night booty calls…so you do the math.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke had his identity stolen through his personal bank account.  Hard to believe that one of the most important people in the world is less sharp than a LifeLock spokesman.  That tells me that when a major flood hits, we should avoid FEMA and just call that Sham-Wow guy.

Officials in Louisiana are praising President Obama for his vision in preparing for another catastrophic hurricane.  Like, for example, his idea of replacing levees with gigantic, dependable teleprompters.

This fall, ABC will premier the new show “Cougar Town”.  Network executives expect big ratings, not to mention a copyright lawsuit from whatever city Demi Moore lives in.

Experts say rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez is a perfect fit as a New York Jet, which either means he likes unruly fans or he occassionally gets taken down by a flock of geese.

The Red Sox picked up Billy Wagner from the Mets. Since the Mets made the trade, the government now owes them money as part of the cash for clunkers program.

New Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick said that while he was in prison, he cried many nights.  Not because he was in prison, but because Donovan McNabb suggested he fully prepare for disappointment as an Eagle.