Paula Abdul says that “many wonderful things” are being offered to her since she announced she was leaving “American Idol”.  Then someone explained to her that those wonderful things were offered to everyone, because it was Happy Hour.

A very Happy Birthday to President Obama, who turned 48 this week.  He spent hours trying to blow out the candles on his cake using nothing but hope. 

A new study has found that more than 50% of women are embarrassed by their feet.  Especially since this little piggy may now have swine flu.

Brad Pitt says in an interview with Parade magazine that he and Angelina Jolie will get married “when it’s legal for everyone else.”  Or when they adopt all of Africa, whichever comes first.

Researchers found that cheerleading causes the most serious sports injuries among high school and college athletes.  What's more disturbing…the patients often start riots in waiting rooms when they chant, "We got insurance, yes we do! We got insurance, how 'bout you?!"

A new study from the latest issue of Neurology finds that reading and writing may help delay Alzheimer’s Disease.  Especially if you write down where you put the car keys. 

Park Avenue from the Brooklyn Bridge to Central Park will be closed to vehicles for three Saturdays this month – to encourage New Yorkers to embrace alternate forms of transportation.  They can bike, jog, or if the Mets are pitching to them…walk.

The Padres recently wore camouflage uniforms to honor the military.  The Mets recently wore camouflage uniforms so nobody would see them play. 

A Florida State football player had felony charges against him dropped.  In other words, he's changing majors.

A man in Albuquerque, New Mexico has developed a device that converts Mountain Dew – and other sodas – into fuel for car engines.  He tried using Red Bull, but the car was just obnoxious for a few hours then unexpectedly crashed.

Senator John McCain said on his Twitter page how disappointed he is with David Ortiz, saying “David Ortiz tested positive for steroids, where have you gone Joe DiMaggio?”  Makes perfect sense, because when it comes to morals and scandal-free ethics, what better group to hear from than the U.S. Senate?

Walt Disney World's third-quarter profit dropped 26 percent.  Things are so bad at the Magic Kingdom, the Seven Dwarves are now singing "Whistle While You Collect Unemployment". 

Archbishop Vincent Nichols – the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England – is warning Catholics that excessive emailing and texting can undermine community life and create shallow friendships.  In other words, they can't get wireless where he is. 

The above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute or submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.