President Obama is promising to deliver 600,000 jobs this summer. Ironically, those are all positions at the ever-expanding unemployment office.
Research shows that President Obama mentions Jesus Christ much more than George W. Bush did. It should be noted that this research was compiled by MSNBC, so they also counted whenever he mentioned "me", "myself", and "I".
Many are worried that Chrysler and Fiat form a team that looks good on paper but will crumble down the stretch. Which explains why people call them "The automotive New York Mets".
The new tell-all book about Yankee star Alex Rodriguez isn't selling very well. Why? Because early sales projections were on steroids.
"Land of the Lost" continues to get horrible reviews. So being full of old dinosaurs isn't the only thing it has in common with the Republican Party.
During a speech to commemorate D-Day, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown mispronounced "Omaha Beach" when he called it "Obama Beach". It may not have been a mistake, because he later referred to the "Battle of the Bulge" as "Dinner at Rush Limbaugh's House".
The Senate will vote on a bill that would give the FDA regulation control over big tobacco. If it passes, teenagers can expect to be targeted by a new cartoon named "Uncle Sam Camel".
Judge Sonia Sotomayor says she's a big sports fan. Which is good news for Republicans, since it's considered a bad thing to sit on the bench.
The Obama administration announced that they don't want to place caps on corporate executive pay. Taking the news as a loophole, big manufacturers will now pay their CEOs in greenhouse gases.
New York City will re-open the Statue of Liberty. Climbing to the top will be popular, especially since it's the cheapest way to watch the Yankees play.
Many think the U.S. could possibly be drawn into a new Korean War. When asked what they thought, millions of American teenagers responded, "New Korean War?"
Joe Montana's son, after years of watching his dad, will play quarterback at the University of Washington. Similarly, Brett Favre's son is quitting school and then re-enrolling, then quitting again, then going back for a year, then taking a break, then flirting with going back, then back to quitting but still studying a little, and then . . . Man I miss Joe Montana.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was quarantined in China for exposure to the H1N1 virus. He could have sworn the swine flu would never get him, because he was blocking it with one of his trusty levees.
Red Sox big man David Ortiz said his batting slump has nothing to do with poor vision. Then he poured gravy on his glove and said it was the best pork chop ever.
Manny Ramirez, who took a banned substance containing estrogen, is still fifth in All-Star voting for outfielders. But first in All-Star voting for the WNBA.
Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.