During his speech in Cairo, President Obama promised the Muslim world a new partnership with America.  Then, right on cue, Sasha Baron Cohen dropped down and plopped his ass in Mahmoud Abbas' face. 

After Obama's speech, many in the Muslim world said the judge and jury are still out regarding their opinion.  Well, those outside of Gitmo who know what a judge and jury are said that.

Things got awkward during the President's speech in Egypt when he mixed up his notes with his prediction for the NBA Finals.  No wonder he got applause when he said, "Hamas in six."

The world is getting nervous about a potential conflict in Korea.  Not because they think Kim Jong Il will use nuclear weapons, but because they think he'll hold his giant glasses up to the sunlight and burn all of Asia like ants. 

The Federal Government accidentally posted a sensitive list of nuclear sites in the U.S.  Nobody took it seriously, however, because it was posted on Joe Biden's Twitter account.

In a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden openly taunts Americans.  Apparently by claiming they'll never find him, because he has disguised himself as a job.

Political analysts say that Barack Obama's China plan looks a lot like George W. Bush's.  The only difference is, he won't ask them to relocate the Great Wall to the Mexican border.

The sculptor of a Ronald Reagan statue had to adjust the former President's lower body from an earlier model.  It's much more realistic now because it shows Sean Hannity's lips on his ass. 

Friends of David Carradine said he was just fine before going to Bangkok.  Coincidentally . . . friends of that Sham Wow guy said the same thing, only they weren't talking about Thailand.

The company behind the toxic pet food scare of 2007 will plead guilty.  They said it's a tough pill to swallow, so the judge will wrap it in cheese and gently rub their throat while they chew it. 

Orlando guard Mickael Pietrus is abandoning his Kobe Bryant-endorsed shoes for the NBA Finals.  He made the announcement by telling a 9-year-old Honduran kid that LeBron won't be the only one not working this week.

The University of Memphis basketball team may have known about Derrick Rose's false SAT score in 2008.  Or as they put it . . . "Ostrich is to head in the sand as John Calipari is to Kentucky job."

Florida State beat Ohio State in their baseball regional 37-6.  The good news for the Buckeyes . . . their drug tests are automatically negative. 

Atlanta Falcons lineman Quinn Ojinnaka was arrested after fighting with his wife about his Facebook activity.  He posted bond because he was scared of going to prison and really being super-poked. 

Many of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and the Complete Sheet.