Michael Vick said he's looking forward to finishing his sentence.  And like most pro athletes, he'll finish it with the phrase "you know what I'm sayin?"

If the NFL re-instates Michael Vick, his new team can expect hordes of protesters.  But since that means people coming to the stadium, Detroit is very interested. 

An 83-year-old Georgia man was sentenced for dealing Mexican pot.  Now we know the real reason why old people want to eat at 3 o'clock. 

Senator Dick Durbin said there's an effective way the U.S. can detain prisoners from Gitmo.  For example, if we put them in Miami, they'll still think they're in Cuba.

President Obama said that the U.S. lost its way in the war on terror.  Most likely because Humvees come equipped with mapquest.

A new study suggests that in a recession, most women splurge as if addicted to shopping.  It's shocking to realize that evidently America has always been in a recession.

Five Alabama police officers were fired for beating a speeding motorist.  They apologized, but only because the man wasn't Jeff Gordon.

The international space station is working on a recycling effort to turn urine into water.  Which means the international space station apparently works for Coors. 

Gymnastic phenom Shawn Johnson won "Dancing With the Stars".  It's the first time a flip-flopper won anything since Nancy Pelosi was named Speaker of the House. 

Republican National Committee head Michael Steele said that the party will no longer apologize for past mistakes.  Because who has that much time, really? 

The NBA awarded the Los Angeles Clippers with the number one draft pick.  It's the most effective plan they have of getting college players to stay in school. 

Red Sox star David Ortiz finally hit a homerun.  It's his first four-bagger this year that didn't involve a trip to Wendy's.


Mets slugger Carlos Delgado is out ten weeks after hip surgery.  It was only supposed to be six weeks, but team doctors are also committed to underachievement. 

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Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.