The World Health Organization said that most people who get the swine flu do not  need drugs.  Very ironic, seeing that most people who get the swine flu went to Mexico. 

The U.S. now leads the world in cases of swine flu.  But the good news is . . . with unemployment where it is, most people won't have to miss work.

Former All-Star pitcher Roger Clemens adamantly denies a new book's claims that he took steroids.  Then, representing the last body part to change size, his nose grew. 

The Illinois Attorney General announced that craigslist will get rid of ads for erotic services.  Opening the door for a brand new enterprise . . . EliotSpitzerslist.

Many students and local bishops at the University of Notre Dame plan to protest President Obama's commencement address this Sunday because of his support of abortion rights and stem-cell research.  Not to mention, he said that watching their football team the last few years has been "inhumane torture". 

Astronaut Mike Massimo, who is aboard the Space Shuttle Atlantis, became the first person to Twitter from space when he sent the message "Launch was awesome!!"  Next week, he plans to become the first person to send a sext message from orbit when he types "Watch out for my space junk!" 

Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul in 1981, says that after his release from prison in January, he would like to convert to Christianity at a baptism ceremony at the Vatican.  The Vatican said that he will of course be welcomed and forgiven, unless Mehmet Ali Aqca is just a crazy nickname for Dan Brown. 

Delaware this week became the fourth state to allow sports betting.  Now making it only 99 times more boring than Vegas. 

A flawless blue diamond sold at auction Tuesday for almost ten million dollars.  It's the most ridiculously expensive diamond in the world not on the field in Yankee Stadium. 

Nicole Kidman walked off the set of a Woody Allen movie.  She said it was an homage to what people do when they watch a Woody Allen movie. 

The Taliban gave an ultimatum to Pakistan officials.  It said, "Resign, or get blown back ten years to the Stone Age."

Dick Cheney said that he'd pick Rush Limbaugh over Colin Powell.  Unfortunately for liberals, he's not talking about hunting partners. 

There are rumors that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens may shed her clothes in an upcoming movie.  It's about time Disney made a realistic movie about high school. 

The NFL is considering playing a second game in Europe in 2010.  At least that's what they're telling the Lions in a plan to strand them in Spain. 

Since Lane Kiffin became coach at the University of Tennessee, 11 players have left the team.  It is such a mass exodus, the Vols have nicknamed the football team "math class". 

The New York Mets are on a hot streak.  Which makes sense, because it's not October.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.