The swine flu is now in Iowa.  Making scientists confident that the virus will now kill itself from boredom.

France officials confirmed that the swine flu is infecting some of its residents.  So they surrendered.

Many suspect that American cases of swine flu originated in Mexico.  So President Obama apologized for creating demand. 

U.S. agents are now asking people who cross the Mexican border if they're experiencing flu symptoms.  Because people crossing the border would never lie, right?

President Obama said that while the swine flu seems ominous, it poses no threat to America.  He believes that so much, he even shook its hand in a photo op.

President Obama recently referred to his first 100 days in office as "fruitful".  So for the next 100 days, Americans will refer to bailouts as "fruit".

Over 50 million retirees can expect a check for $250 from the government.  Suck on that, disappearing nest egg!

Keith Olbermann wants Sean Hannity to undergo water boarding.  Not to prove that it's torture, but just to hear him not talk for ten seconds.

Senator Arlen Specter became a member of the Democratic Party this week.  It was the first major Republican shift since Larry Craig narrowed his wide stance. 

A new report suggests that most Americans live in areas with poor air quality.  Ironically, air quality is now at the same income level as most Americans. 

Janet Napolitano retracted her statement that suggested that extremists could easily recruit returning vets.  She corrected herself, saying, "Let's face it, in these times, even extremists aren't hiring."

There are rumors that Barry Bonds could bat DH in Kansas City.  Kansas City?  Apparently the D in DH now stands for "Desperate".