John Madden announced his retirement . . . 

Or as he put it, "divorcing Brett Favre". 

Then he rambled on while completely over-explaining that retirement means when a guy stops working for a living. 

Texas Governor Rick Perry said that his state may secede from the Union.  Said San Antonio, "We're breaking away from Mexico?"

Pirates are making a big comeback these days.  So much so, Paris Hilton just contracted scurvy. 

Research suggests that in these times of high unemployment, more people are sucking up to their boss in an attempt to keep their jobs.  Which explains all the flowers Miley Cyrus keeps getting from her dad. 

The Obama family's new dog Bo moved into the White House.  They'll save money on a doghouse since they'll just use the one Hillary made for Bill. 

The Ethisphere Institute unveiled a list of the 99 most ethical U.S. companies.  Most Americans who saw the list had to be told what the Ethisphere Institute was.  Most U.S. Senators who saw the list had to be told what ethical was. 

As the economy worsens, child abuse is reportedly on the rise.  Especially when in place of a babysitter, parents just drop their kids off to see that Jonas Brothers movie.

President Obama arrived in Mexico to discuss the drug war.  And to explain to the locals that his name is not pronounced "Hay-soos". 

Ashton Kurcher has challenged CNN to a contest to see who could be the first to attract one million followers on Twitter.  Half of CNN's viewers asked, "What the hell is Twitter?"  The other half asked, "Who the hell is Ashton Kurcher?"

Houston Rocket star Yao Ming has been cleared to play in the postseason.  But he's so weak as a Rocket, fans now think he's from North Korea.

The Florida Marlins took two of three games from the Mets.  The Mets haven't been this disappointed since, well yeah they have. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and the Complete Sheet.